That one fucked up love

One silly question like: ‘May I borrow this chair.’ and a smile could make your heart jump over. Then when you see him playing on stage, you have the best opportunity to watch how he moves, how graceful this muscular body walks around. You are fascinated by this new kind of feeling, this satisfaction by just watching him move, you are only thirteen years old. Your interest surprises yourself, and it looks like someone else is in your body when you ask the person next to you a question. “Who is that curly guy?”
He is in your school, you know that during the year you will look at him with big eyes and follow his moves but say nothing. He does not even know who you are; you can hardly go up to him and say: “Hai remember me? I’m that girl that gave you that chair!?” It’s just silly. For now on he will be a just something beautiful and divine to look at. During that performance you would never have guessed in what position you are now. You could only think, and hope, that you would not make any mistakes during your performance. Remember the dance moves and look smooth. You would never have thought that one year later you would meet him again, well actually talk to him, laugh, make jokes and just look at each other and laugh again. Another performance was coming up and this time you were in the drama part. On one crazy night you ask him for his help, because a friend of yours is pissdrunk, you are ‘knetterstoned’ and think there are police cars everywhere. He looks like a knight in shining armour. On that night you knew for sure that you two would be talking more often, you exchange MSN and the fun conversations begin. You talk about everything and nothing, on school you talk more often. Every time you see him in the hallway your heart jumps over, and the next time it will happen, you knew it for sure. Your friends know it for sure. “There is a twinkle in your eyes when you talk about him and the upcoming performance.” You actually do not want to think about the upcoming performance, will you stop talking after it? Unfortunately the performance is coming up. On the day of the performance he invites you at his home. In what kind of doubt you were in that time, was he just inviting you as a friend, or something more? Or was he just feeling sorry for you because you had to wait so long. Your friends were disappointed that nothing happened that day, no kissing on his bed. Just talking and having fun just like always. You were happy to notice after the performance that the talking did not stop. Not at all it looked like it was going well, still the twinkle in my eyes remained. But then in one silly conversation you came to know something you did not want to know. Not at that moment at least, now you just do not care anymore. It was like the whole world stopped caring when you heard that he had a girlfriend. How could you know by then that he had given up on you, that he did liked you. Because you weren’t for sure because the signals boys send out are sow low you just couldn’t notice. Slowly the talking fades away, and you only talked once a week to each other.
Just that one silly demand you gave him got everything back again, you were back in the race. He got dumped by his girlfriend long ago. But after the summer break or at the end of it you said to him: “Lets get something to drink, you still have to buy something for me because it was my birthday.” After that afternoon, things got better. You started hanging out more often and getting more intimate. At one night he asked you a question one you never expected only hoped for: “What would you do if I said I liked you?” You said you would start blushing but just be cool and say something back. “I like you, a lot.” He repeated. You swallowed it, made a complete fool out of yourself, you fell of your bloody chair. The Monday after that night you kissed for the first time. More followed soon, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Everyone in school saw it, but you could only see him. Everytime you looked at him you thought: I waited for you for two years, I’m never letting you go. Two years, after the moment he wanted your chair something in your head knew already you loved him. You were just so happy, just like a jumping puppy before it hits the wall, or walks against a door. You never saw it coming when he broke up with you. You were devastated, but acted you did not care. Every night you thought of him, for six bloody months. But meanwhile you were screwing around with too many guys. Trying to get some sort of satisfaction. You got over it eventually, thank god little moron you are. How could you let your life be controlled by that one person who hurt you that bad and treated you like shit after everything.

Now I’m telling this to myself, how could I? the only thing I feel now is anger, and fear. Anger because he dared to treat me like this and as if everything is how it used to be and fear for the things he can do to me again. Because he knows he is capable of it, he knows. Now when I pass him in the hallway I look at him and feel nothing, maybe disguise but I’m trying not even to feel that. He is not worth it, and still thanks to yesterday he is able to control my life again. But I will not let it happen, I refuse to be the fool again in the story you can read here above. I refuse it, but I fear him, physically and mentally.