Girls Life Outside The Life

All Summer Long

2008-06-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

At this point my emotional level is very high, you could say I am a master Emo at this level. This high emotional level is first of all caused by my test week. The thought of that I might not pass my economics test is frightening and discouraging. Although I do not have to fear about failing my year. Never in my whole school year my report card looked so good as in this year. Maybe this discouraging fear is caused by the fact that I need a vacation! Almost everyone around me is enjoying the beautiful weather outside and the ability to party till dawn. I am so jealous, I don’t want to study anymore. The other reason for my high emotional level is that I started to think about my social position in life. How will people see me? Why is it so exhausting for me to be around certain people?

I am an enthusiastic kid, I need enthusiasm and I will be enthusiastic. When people wont give me back that enthusiasm, what happens most of the time, i get disappointed. That disappointment is pretty fucking exhausting. But maybe i just have to be patient and wait till all this test week crap is over and people will have the energy to be enthusiastic with me. If this is not the case, i swear to god ill kill myself. Well not that drastic i guess, but i think i will snap. But as some of you might know that wont be the only reason for me to snap.

The last few weeks i have been watching all episodes of Sex and the City on internet. To tell you, it is quite educational, not only sex-wise but also relationship wise. But when you compare those relationships to your own or the ones you know. But then you think, what comparison is there to make, you are not thirty something, you are ten something, which sounds so immature and little. But we all want to act like we are more mature. Are the standards for every relationship the same, despite your age? On sexual level I don’t think this will occur to every relationship, maybe most of them. Also the standards of the girls in SATC are so much different then the standards in our little country. As much as I want to I don’t think I can compare any kind of relationship I had to those in the show.

As you can see, by watching a show I am gonna compare it a little to my own life. Which is a quite fucked up thing if you think about it. But I am sure i am not the only one who does this. Am I?

Anyway the third reason for my high emotional level is that I want to get out of this godforsaken country. I am thinking about the things I used to do all summer long. My old traditions while being away, and as the days pass I am longing more and more for those wonderful days yet to come. I get so impatient, i still have to wait for so many days.

But now I think who am I to complain? I only have two days of school left, but thinking about that the thought of, it is still 48 hours, slips into my mind and discourages me again for that horrific economics test tomorrow.

Music: Kid Rock - All Summer Long
Quote: Kut kabouters

Randomness cus i'm bored

2008-04-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

do you know what i hate the most about my life?
That my day cant start before i drugged myself with my medicine...
Wtf is natural about that?
Stupid shit man

Goh

2008-03-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

What Lotte Stolk Means

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is the hardest story that i have ever told

2008-01-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yes geschiedenis is voorbij en ik zit lekker achter mijn laptopje met een zak ketchup chips! Mjam! i know we arent allowed to eat chips doordeweeks but whatever no one is at home. Dan zie ik opeens mijn hello kitty trillen, en hoor ik mijn altijd even vertrouwde POTC deuntje. Jahoor mensen het is weer tijd voor een lulgesprek met Da!.

L: Hullo!
D: Heej meisje...
L: Hmpf dat meisje.
D: Wat ben je dit weekend vrouw geworden dan?
L: The Fuck?
D: Ja je date, ik dacht eigk niet dat t zo uit zou pakken maar cool for you.
L: Okay Da knock it off, je kent me dat doe ik niet hoor, niet een avond.
D: Dus helemaal niks gebeurd zaterdag? ook saai, net zo saai als mijn zaterdag.
L: Dat zeg ik niet.
D: Ik wist het!Haleluja!victory
L: Doe normaal
D: Ja dat is het toch?
L: uhm nee, zo wil ik er niet naar kijken...
D: Ennu?
L: I dunno
D: Lot....?
L: Ja i know je kent me...ik weet gewoon niet wat ik nu moet doen of denken.
D: Gosh meisje
L: Fuck off, wat heb jij zaterdag gedaan?
D: Gehangen hehe, ik kwam wout en thos tegen.
L: hmpf
D: Silence?
L: Hoezo zou ik dat willen weten
D: Kweenie ik dacht dat jullie weer schoon schip hadden
L: Maybe
D: Maar?
L: Zij behoren tot mijn verleden, in mijn verleden waren we buddies nu wil ik ze niet kennen.
D: Je verleden van anderhalfjaar geleden.
L: Dat zeg ik verleden
D: Dude...
L: Woman?
D: Ik vinnet gewoon abnormaal dat jij eigk zon duister verleden hebt
L: Geen idee waar je het over hebt
D: Maar t is niet allemaal verleden right?
L: uhm
D: Ik bedoel je hebt er wat gewoontes aan over gehouden...
L: Like?
D: Je blowen, je roken, je angst voor je eigen medicijnen, je beeld op de drugsscene?
L: Gast i sound like a junk now
D: Hahaha you kinda are
L: Am not
D: Echt wel!
L: Da kappe, ik zweeer t je! hehe
D: Iig ik vind godsdiensten maar dom
L: Mee eens...denk ik. hoewel...
D: Wat?
L: Nee laatmaar, ik ga
D: okeej Latertjes
L: Ciao Bella!

"My Playlist"

2007-12-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

Apart from the fact that my WinAmp sux the last days (every start of a song repeats itself several times, and even after playing half of a song it starts over again) I blame the many virusses on my Computer, But still I love my Winamp and the random numbers next to my songs:

Number 1: Air Traffic - Shooting star (the first song)
Number 909: Diverse - Jodeljump (the last song)
Number 16: Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm (My Age)
Number 7: Stone Sour - 30/30-150 (general lucky number)
Number 13: Pink - Who Knew (Unlucky Number and the age of my cat Terrorbeest)
Number 289: Fall Out Boy - Chicago is so two years ago (Something with my birthday 02-08-1991)
Number 11: Mika - Lollipop (My house)
Number 45: The Killers - Somebody Told me (The no. of the house i was born in)
Number 88: 30 seconds to mars - A beautiful lie (my lucky number)
Number 29: Ciara ft. Ludacris - Oh (this no. will change)
Number 325: Funeral for a friend - Kiss and Make up (how many cents i earn an hour)
Number 186: Blink 182 - Josie (how many phonenumbers there are in my phone)
Number 360: Greenday - Boulevard of Broken Dreams ( Friends on hyves)
Number 99: Wham - Last Christmas (Friends on facebook)
Number 34: Natasha Bedingfield - I bruise easily (the no. of post-its stuck to my wall)
Number 58: Killswitch engage - the end of heartache (My weight)
Number 178: Bittersweet Lemonade - Nothing's left (My height)
Number 600: Nightwish - Wish i had an angel (the no. of eurocents thats is left of my credit)
Number 205: Breaking Benjamin - Rain (the last thing i payed for Fries at DHcentraal)
Number 666: Pirates of the Carribean - Jack Sparrow (hehe)

That is what people do when they are tired want to go to bed but are also bored they make lists like this ;) You should try it too :D
Byexxxxx

We are all just a crazy bunch of people

2007-11-13T07:35:00.000-08:00

Door de jaren heen krijg je allemaal rare informatie op je afgeworpen, rare dingen gebeuren met je, je komt vage feitjes te weten, al met al je gaat je steeds meer verbazen over de mensheid, of over onze mentaliteit.

Laatst, toen ik aan het surfen was op het internet, kwam ik via via op een artikel terecht. Het spijt me dames en heren ik kan het niet meer vinden. Maar wat er in dit artikel stond schokte mij, of eigenlijk bevestigde mijn gedachten dat we allemaal geschift zijn. Natuurlijk weet iedereen dat ik er openlijk voor uitkom dat ik gek/geschift/crazy ben. Toch doet niet iedereen dat, en nu wil ik dus jullie een feitje op je neus drukken om te laten zien dat we toch allemaal daadwerkelijk geschift zijn!

In het artikel stond ongeveer het volgende: Een meisje met anorexia, een hond en een kat die allebei obesitas zijn. Rara hoe kan dit? Heel simpel, het meisje at niks. Om het voor haar ouders en broertje te verbergen dat er bijvoorbeeld eten werd weggegooid of heel slim weer terug ik de kast zou worden gelegd, voerde ze alles aan haar huisdieren. Dus alles wat een mens ongeveer per dag nodig heeft om een beetje energie te hebben en niet honger te lijden werd aan de hond en de kat gevoerd. Hond en Kat, die altijd wel in waren voor wat lekkers, namen natuurlijk alles aan en als resultaat: Ze zijn overgewicht, hebben hartproblemen en hun aderen slibben dicht.
Dit is toch geschift lieve mensen! Door de ontwikkelde gedachten, door de mens, dat iedereen perfect dun moet zijn, of eigenlijk graatmager, moeten de dieren op deze planeet daarvan lijden.

Nu laat ik dit geschifte verhaal wat persoonlijker maken, of eigenlijk wat meer om voor te stellen of wat meer recenter. In dit verhaal zullen wel degelijk meerdere geschifte mensen zijn dus hou je vast want dit is een feit!
Als je iets met iemand hebt hoor je trouw te blijven aan diegene, niet met iemand anders flirten, niet met iemand anders gaan en zeker niet met iemand anders neuken. Dat zijn gewoon normale waarden en normen die er in de meeste relaties zijn. Als je denkt dat die relatie dan ‘geen future’ heeft, of je wil gewoon eventjes flirten, ‘fine by me’ maar wees dan wel zo eerlijk. Ten eerste: zeg tegen degene waarmee je gaat dat je een vriend/vriendin hebt. Want er zijn mensen die het niet erg vinden om met bezette mensen te gaan. Geschift ik weet het, als ze het maar niet doen om wraakacties op iemand anders. Maar dan ten tweede: Als je vriendin er op een één of andere manier achter komt dat je ‘ontrouw’ bent geweest wees dan ook eerlijk tegen haar en tegen de mensen om je heen! Want als gevolg zullen er meerdere ‘fucked up’ situaties komen. Ik zal wat voorbeelden noemen.
Je hebt iemand helemaal ingepalmd, ze/hij vind je leuk enzovoorts. Misschien omdat jij ook hebt gezegt dat je haar/hem ook leuk vindt.
Je vriendin/vriend is op een terrormissie en maakt van die ‘pretenderbitch/dick’ zijn/haar eigen persoonlijke slachtoffer om te terroriseren. Dat wil onder andere zeggen: Iedereen vertellen dat ze/hij een pathetic pretender bitch/dick is. Een ontzettend enge, oranje plastic barbie/ken figuur op haar afsturen die zegt dat zij/hij de beste vriend/vriendin is van de hook ups vriend/vriendin.
Je bent zelf de lul omdat je niet weet wat je moet doen met je current vriend/vriendin en degene waarmee je bent gegaan. (dat was slechts een gok de rest is feit.)

Maar zoals jullie dus zien we zijn allemaal gek! En de mensen die dat willen toegeven trekken elkaar misschien juist wel aan. Maar moeten we er nu niet eens allemaal voor uitkomen dat wij allemaal geschift zijn? En nee we hoeven er niet trots op te zijn.

Nog een raar feitje van vandaag: Cycling through the rain, rain drenching my clothes, cold and freezing wind making my joints scream out loud because of the pain. The thought of you and your smile made my joints shut up and gave my body warmth.

Music: Jennifer Love Hewitt - Can I Go Now
Quote: And then he said, yes he said: I THINK I LIKE YOU!!!

When u r in my mouth

2007-11-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

When u r in my mouth there are three ways out. (that rhymes i know)
1st way, i will swallow you and you'll leave me through my arse...
2nd way, i spit you out cuz u are dirty
3rd way, you leave through my nose cuz i'm unable to swallow you because i just cant and someone is squeaking my water bottle...
thats ur answer barbara...
And i have to tell you it was pretty grose i still have a weird taste in my mout because my AHSportdrank chose the 3rd way...
I think it looked like i was puking behehehehehe....

Sorry guys i just had to post this weird story, im pretty sure not everyone will understand it xD.
when i was cycling back i had this really good thing to think about but now i just forgot it...thats a shame cuz it was really good you know.

C'est meines life

2007-10-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

no more pretending, trying to be someone I'm not. No more feeling sorry for the one that I am.
Live now, live real, forgive and forget, though forgetting is the most difficult. Let the dried up river stream over my cheeks again, just let if flow. But in the back of my head i know i can't. I can't cry anymore. I've gotta cool down, before making those choices again, give it all up for that one feeling. I would do it all over again.

The desperate search for that one feeling, but no more pretending, i've gotta show the world who I am. What you do to me is a mysterie, who would to that to me is the future. Ive been changing but you will never see me now. Thats what I would say, it's all about changes.
Tears that can't find their way out, anger that is pushed away...and me myself and i are so far away.

trying to scream to the world what i feel, scream till it hurts you, cuz these things i shine are not what i meant to say. I want this, I want that, all i want are two warm arms to fall asleep in. What I fear the most is to loose it again, and feel that way. My fear is to make those same mistakes. someone to laugh with, someone to feel safe with, someone who can hold me back and let me go on the right time. When the time is there it will.

What you will never know is that i never really did, I never really dared to take the chance, tried to take the step off the cliff. Another weird collection of my feelings, summoned by some music that will be sacred for me again. Because if you will push me I Will, but do not let me, don't let me do it all alone. If you could only watch me fall, If you could only see when my time is there to fall you can catch me again. Because it seems I have done it again...with every breath, standing over the edge. Because I cant handle that shit that i'm into. I need you and you know who you are

Jumpen watch out you got competion....

2007-09-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hi!
I got this movie from a Belgian guy. This Shufflen is very populair in Asia and Japan. He hopes it wil dominate Jumpen...Actually i hope so too, cuz this is just: Focking Wreed...but also quite hard, and anyways the music is ten times better. But damn how hard this is.
Btw imagine Shufflen in our little school that would be so awesome!!!1
Bye you guys!!!

That one fucked up love

2007-09-14T07:25:00.001-07:00

One silly question like: ‘May I borrow this chair.’ and a smile could make your heart jump over. Then when you see him playing on stage, you have the best opportunity to watch how he moves, how graceful this muscular body walks around. You are fascinated by this new kind of feeling, this satisfaction by just watching him move, you are only thirteen years old. Your interest surprises yourself, and it looks like someone else is in your body when you ask the person next to you a question. “Who is that curly guy?”
He is in your school, you know that during the year you will look at him with big eyes and follow his moves but say nothing. He does not even know who you are; you can hardly go up to him and say: “Hai remember me? I’m that girl that gave you that chair!?” It’s just silly. For now on he will be a just something beautiful and divine to look at. During that performance you would never have guessed in what position you are now. You could only think, and hope, that you would not make any mistakes during your performance. Remember the dance moves and look smooth. You would never have thought that one year later you would meet him again, well actually talk to him, laugh, make jokes and just look at each other and laugh again. Another performance was coming up and this time you were in the drama part. On one crazy night you ask him for his help, because a friend of yours is pissdrunk, you are ‘knetterstoned’ and think there are police cars everywhere. He looks like a knight in shining armour. On that night you knew for sure that you two would be talking more often, you exchange MSN and the fun conversations begin. You talk about everything and nothing, on school you talk more often. Every time you see him in the hallway your heart jumps over, and the next time it will happen, you knew it for sure. Your friends know it for sure. “There is a twinkle in your eyes when you talk about him and the upcoming performance.” You actually do not want to think about the upcoming performance, will you stop talking after it? Unfortunately the performance is coming up. On the day of the performance he invites you at his home. In what kind of doubt you were in that time, was he just inviting you as a friend, or something more? Or was he just feeling sorry for you because you had to wait so long. Your friends were disappointed that nothing happened that day, no kissing on his bed. Just talking and having fun just like always. You were happy to notice after the performance that the talking did not stop. Not at all it looked like it was going well, still the twinkle in my eyes remained. But then in one silly conversation you came to know something you did not want to know. Not at that moment at least, now you just do not care anymore. It was like the whole world stopped caring when you heard that he had a girlfriend. How could you know by then that he had given up on you, that he did liked you. Because you weren’t for sure because the signals boys send out are sow low you just couldn’t notice. Slowly the talking fades away, and you only talked once a week to each other.
Just that one silly demand you gave him got everything back again, you were back in the race. He got dumped by his girlfriend long ago. But after the summer break or at the end of it you said to him: “Lets get something to drink, you still have to buy something for me because it was my birthday.” After that afternoon, things got better. You started hanging out more often and getting more intimate. At one night he asked you a question one you never expected only hoped for: “What would you do if I said I liked you?” You said you would start blushing but just be cool and say something back. “I like you, a lot.” He repeated. You swallowed it, made a complete fool out of yourself, you fell of your bloody chair. The Monday after that night you kissed for the first time. More followed soon, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Everyone in school saw it, but you could only see him. Everytime you looked at him you thought: I waited for you for two years, I’m never letting you go. Two years, after the moment he wanted your chair something in your head knew already you loved him. You were just so happy, just like a jumping puppy before it hits the wall, or walks against a door. You never saw it coming when he broke up with you. You were devastated, but acted you did not care. Every night you thought of him, for six bloody months. But meanwhile you were screwing around with too many guys. Trying to get some sort of satisfaction. You got over it eventually, thank god little moron you are. How could you let your life be controlled by that one person who hurt you that bad and treated you like shit after everything.

Now I’m telling this to myself, how could I? the only thing I feel now is anger, and fear. Anger because he dared to treat me like this and as if everything is how it used to be and fear for the things he can do to me again. Because he knows he is capable of it, he knows. Now when I pass him in the hallway I look at him and feel nothing, maybe disguise but I’m trying not even to feel that. He is not worth it, and still thanks to yesterday he is able to control my life again. But I will not let it happen, I refuse to be the fool again in the story you can read here above. I refuse it, but I fear him, physically and mentally.

2007-08-27T08:13:00.001-07:00

Hey I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything is right.....

still dont got my wallet back but wathever a friend gave me a newe wallet for my birthday! And I've got new shoes. Vans omfg

byexxx

Read Me

2007-08-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

I just came to the conclusion that when I'm in a certain mood I listen to
certain music. If you pay attention it is so friggin simple to read me. Here is
a little list.

HighSchoolMusical or just random songs from the top 40 --- Life is going good for me, I'm happy cannot complain about things and I feel good and pretty.
Breaking Benjamin --- Confused, angry the feeling i've been fooled or stabbed in the back, wanting to shout out things like in "The Diary Of Jane."
Stone Sour --- Just a Random mood wanting to espress myself I gues just singing along with the lyrics.
Three Days Grace --- Emo like mood, thinking about weird stuff in life and how my life was and is. Sometimes difficult times in life with my parents especially "Riot", Never too late or time of dying is more because I think they are just frigging beautiful songs.
Greenday --- School Sux
Linkin' Park --- Love sux or i'm confused about the love life atm. Not daring to make decisions having to choose between the one and the other. Just a friggin mess in my head.
Paolo nutini and Mika --- Just random happyness dont wanna think about anything just the happy things. PEACE!
Three Doors Down --- Is kind of for just one guy in my life,,, always listen to it when I think about him.
Omnia --- Its just all about relaxing and reliving the concerts because those are so good.
Nickelback --- My whole life about the good and the bad things is in their songs, just finding my twin-feelings. And listening to the voice of Chad Kroeger can work in too ways, they make me angry or make me relaxed.
Billy Talent --- See me hear me, I Want attention and i want to be heard about what i gotta say. and im just reallly looking forward to their concert.
Bonny Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart --- I'm Heartbroken I'm crying this song always makes me cry when im in the mood for it, I once cried in the car next to laureens mom. That time sucked and i blame myself that i made that time last for so long.
Soundtrack Poloroid you're so damn beautiful --- Ah the anorectic song, I hate it sometimes and some times i love it. Sometimes i hate the fact that people think you are anorectic. Arg.
Santana and Nickelback - Why dont You And I --- Omg that one guy that has always been there cant believe what i'm doing now this is for you guy.

That was my manual... that was so friggin weird. BTW the reason for this quite depressing post is that im friggin angry that my wallet got stolen yesterday. ARg leave me alone.

Some CODELANGUAGE just for the hell of it:

I know the answer to the question the fatboy will be mine

Music - Breaking Benjamin - Blow me Away (only the strongest will survive? fuck im never lucky)

bye loves

What was going on in my head

2007-08-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Back from mexico but i'm not going to tell you how it was and what i did. Dont feel like writing it down...that's why i'm gonna tell you this little story:

As some of you might know my dad is light epileptic, he has to take medicine every day. It are like 7 pills a day. but thanks to that he doesn't get seicures. His last was more than two years ago. I've only see him seicuring one time, which was quite a shock. It was on a morning when i was in first grade, i believe it was on a thursday. My mother and both my brothers were still in bed. i was sitting on the kitchen table with my back to the kitchen sink. Just fooling with my cat when my cat walks up to my dads hand which hangs about 1 feet above the ground thinking he is offering my cat some food. I look back to my cat and i also notice there is no food in my dads hand. He is standing in weird positiion leaning forward over the kitchen sink with his hands hanging down. I walk up to my dad and see his eyes glare into nothingness. This was about the scariest thing i have ever seen in real life, no emotion in my dads blue eyes. "Dad?" I ask a few times, i tap him on the back try to 'wake him up' but nothing happens. Thank god my mom sleeps very light and heard me calling my dad. She asks what was going on. I couldn't even pronounce what was going on... epileptische aanval is a very hard word in times like that. the only think i could think of that time was not letting my dad fall on the ground. so i look back and grab the chair that is closest to me. i kind of push the chair in the back of knees trying to bent them. Wel it worked, but then the seicure started, my dad started shaking in a weird way no i describe it as: Een vis die op het droge sparteld. Meanwhile my mom entered the kitchen. She told me to get something for under his head, i walk to the livingroom my legs shaking and when i got back my dad was lying on the floor. My mom put the pillow under his head and tried to get his medicine. But they were over datum so we just had to wait.
When my dad 'bijkwam' he had no idea where he was.

One day my dad had told me that it could be erfelijk. But no one of us thought we could have it. Untill some hours ago.

When i was little about 5 years old I was at school playing with some friends. There was a bench, well kind of a bench just with no rugleuning it was about 50 cm high. One of the girls were sitting on her knees all crawled up with her back up next to the bench. I was standing on it and the game was to jump over it. Not that difficult, i had done it a few times before. I was looking at the color of the jacket of the girl, ocean blue it was. And the next time i remember i was staring at the paving stones of the playground. I lay there face down only seeing the light and the silhouet of my nose. I didn't even realise i was in pain. My whole face was full of wounds. This accident or what is was described or explained that i just fell. But how? No one ever told me, did my foot got stuck behind the back of the girl? Or did i 'black-out' and just fell. My parents never wondered why i fell, but i never wondered too until now, and some weeks ago. Did i had a mini epileptic seicure where you black out? I dont know but it kind of bothers me.

Well i dont want to think about it for a while and certainly not during BILLY TALENT!

Byeee folks

The Difference

2007-06-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

I've tried to explain it to my schoolbitchas and now I'm gonna explain it to you.
The difference between a Rock-chick and a Rock-on!-chick.

Rock Chick:
More like i'm cool and try not to be all too happy just relaxing, listens to quite louder music leaning toward metal. Wears more black even a bit Emo-ish. Would rather say YEAH! --

Rock-On!-Chick:
More joyfull jumpy and happy loves the life she is listening, listens to more happy soft rock music, Wears the rock patterns but with a colourfull touch. Would rather say YAY! --

Now kids you have learned another usefull lesson!

Testweek is almost over,I've got three more tests to make and after that the schoolparty and Terschelling! I hope my favo Aap can go with us, cant imagine it without her.
BTW aap just wanna let ya know u can still kiss with me and share glasses with me ;-) bet ya wanna do that!

Well this weekend will be all about maths, I really have get a good grade for this test.

Thats it
Byeee

Song that would say everything about you but you would not admit it: Boys - Sabrina (Just for your info the first few lines go like this: Boys, boys, boysBoys, boys, boysBoys, boys, boysBoys, boys, boys )

Song listening now: Soap Opera Coma - Out of the Bushes

Quote: gimme a kiss handsome!

My biggest fear

2007-06-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

my last blog post was about my biggest secret, A lot of people got curious about it, and i know it was quite mean not to tell.
Well some of you now know my biggest secret. Sorry for the rest of you.
But never mind that, this blong entry will be about my Biggest fear(s). I have a few little fears and one big one.
The little one's:

Get addicted to something that can destroy me in a physical and mental way.
Get an eating disorder, somehow these things scare me so much, I dont wanna be skinny als hell.
Spiders...If i will spot one, i will run away, or scream or do both, even during a debate or speech.
To loose someone I love, or care about, i know it has happened to me some times last 2 years, but to live that all over again just frightens me again and again.

That were the little ones, now comes the big one. I think some of you will think it is lame but i have nighmares about this so many times.

The sea: Standing on the beach, watching the waves break against the shore, does not frighten me. The sea is one of the most powerfull things in the world, it is strong and free. Maybe that is what makes it so scary, I remember I was swimming in the sea in Barcelona and a huge wave came over me. I couldnt get up and i thought i was drowning, that was the worst fear I ever had in my whole life, and this fear was exhausting. When I finally got up I ran up the beach and threw myself in the sand closed my eyes and I knew that I got a new fear. A lot of times when i am very tired an go to sleep i have this dream that i am standin in a pink room and all of a sudden this huge wave crashes over me and i die.

Well that's that for today

byee bitchas love you!

Music: Billy Talent - River below
Quote: Stephanie doet marc na: Nienie wil je verkering met me?

My biggest secret

2007-05-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

I had a talk with a friend of mine yesterday and I shared my biggest secret with him...
It's quite weird that none of my closest friends now this 'secret' it is not that big I think, just a stupid period I am not proud of sharing. And that is why no one knows it apart from now, two people in the whole wide world.

Not even my parentals, because this little secret I had to keep hidden from them in that period. I dunno I had told them I'm not quite sure they would have taken me serious. But if I did not stop on time with doing what I was doing then I think they would have noticed (a).
And darls I am not talking about smoking cuz I'm bloody fucking sure that more than 2 people know that one.

Weird that some secrets you tell to the one person but not the other, and some you only tell to two people. Secrets are weird funny things, and they can cause trouble.

Well thats my post for this month (A)

xxx

Music: Tokio Hotel - Monsoon (love that song!)
Quote: Hey Indie-Chick! (My big bro)

It's A beautiful day! The sun is shining! I feel good! And nooooooooooooobody's gonna stop me now...

2007-04-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

Heey hunny's all over the world. Just another random post because I have to post. It's been almost one month since my last post. OMFG!!!!
Everyone has already noticed that the weather is stunning, its friggin' 26 degrees! I'm trying to spend all my time outside to get some color, and get rid of my albinones---thing.

I came to the conclusion that my ultimate hunny is actually quite close to me, just never noticed it was there.

My cat is chasing tampons, and I'm not joking just to have a funny story for you. It's bloody fucking true! When u throw a tampon at my cat, he starts chasing it through the whole house. Weird...but still its kinda cute.

I bought fake emo glasses! So fucking funny! Oh btw i also bought, Real sunglasses, an emo-ish, Peace to the world-ish, UN-ish longsleeve t-shirt, and a new bag.

It seems that I'm the emo obsessed now and not Maxime...waaaaaah wots happenin to the world!

Never mind, g2g get sum more color...

Music: The Vandals - Oi to the world
Quote: Vlaai is lekker

Saying Goodbye Hurts

2007-03-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

F**K ik ben zo dom.
Weekend was great echt waar, hele leuke dingen gebeurd, maar ik ben nog steeds zo dom. En dat gevoel komt niet eens door het leren ofzo. Van: Ik snap er geen hol van dus ben ik dom.

Vrijdag in de tap super leuke jongen ontmoet, van het een komt het andere. Heeft hij zijn nummer gegeven, vergeet ik (in mijn staat), zijn nummer op te slaan. Dus ik geef afscheid met de gedachten ik zie jou nog wel terug. Uhm waarschijnlijk dus niet. Zucht, ik heb me tien keer voor me kop geslagen...

A.S. Weekend, en ik kan zeggen dat het een redelijke griekse 'Flair' zal hebben, Hmun nog wat aan die reso werken.

Morgen. ANW en wiskunde, en dan cadeautje kopen voor me grote broer, ja hij wordt al 20. Jezus ben ik nog de enige tiener in huis, als je mijn kat niet meetelt. Ik denk dat ik ook even nieuwe zonnebril ga kopen. En kijken voor dat rokje.

20 Julie, zit ik op het vliegtuig naar Mexico, ik heb er echt zin in! Yeah!!!

Zo dat was het voor vandaag, ik was gewoon geforced om te posten.

Nu even me haar drogen, eten en naar clau ofzo :-)

En ik ga me blog omswitchen naar spaans denk ik :P de 3e weereldtaal ofzo...

Okeeej doeixxx

Voor deze letters, zo lijkt het wat groter, en is het dislectenvriendelijk

Music: Sound of music - 16 going on seventeen
Quote: Boudewijn (byebye:-( ): Hoe komt het dat jij zo stoer bent?
Ik: Zo ben ik geboren.

I dont feel like dancing, I feel like writing...

2007-03-14T03:15:00.000-07:00

Howdi hi folks,
het weer is zo prachtig, nu als ik de mediatheek uit zou lopen zal een stralend zonnetje mijn gezicht doen verwarmen een een glimlach op mijn gezichtje tekenen.
Ik wordt he-le-maal happy en writer-ish van dit weer. Dus ik dacht, er zit weer een verhaaltje aan te komen. en ik houd jullie folks op de hoogte door steeds het 'vervolg' hier te posten.
Maar dan zit je op je balkonnetje, (stiekem verlangend naar een peuk DAMN!) te genieten van de zon. je kat springt opeens uit het niets je balkon op en begint bedelend kopjes te geven aan je benen. "Ik heb geen eten schat." Zeg je dan terwijl je je kat even over zijn koppie aait. "Besides je wordt te dik." je kat kijkt je vragend aan met zo'n lieve toet dat je hem op pakt boven op je schrijfschrift zet en een dikke zoen op zijn koppie drukt. Je zit daar nog een half uurtje met je kat te spelen totdat hij een vogel ziet en er achteraan gaat. En dan merk je dat je nog helemaal niks bent opgeschoten met je nieuwe verhaal. Dan moet je maar weer beginnen.

Je begint in jezelf te praten en opeens heb je het. Nou peeps geniet er maar van...want het is nieuw...en ik weet niet of het goed zal zijn:

I'm back, denkt Darcy als ze met de verhuisdoos geklemd in haar armen voor het huis staat. alles ziet er nog precies hetzelfde uit, misschien is de verf iets nieuwer. Met grote zelfvertrouwen stappen loopt ze richting het huis, ze kijkt omhoof en ziet hoe het steeds meer voor haar opdoemt en grotet en groter wordt. Een verhuizer houdt de deur voor haar open.
"Voila Dame," zegt hij met een vettige stem. Eenmaal binnen loopt ze gelijk naar boven.
In haar hoofd telt ze: 'één, twee, drie, vier, krak.' ja alles is weer als vanouds, de vijfde traptrede kraakt nog steeds. Bovenaan de trap slaat ze linksaf en daar staat ze voor haar kamerdeur. Ze zucht even en stapt dan haar kamer binnen. Haar slaapkamer licht aan de zuidkant van het huis en de middagzon verlicht haar kamer.
Al haar spullen staan er al, zelfs haar schilderijen hangen aan de muur. Ze doet de lades van haar bureau open en ziet dat zelfs die bijna onaangetast zijn. Ze zet de verhuisdoos op haar bed neer en begint de fotolijstjes, wekker, en posters uit te pakken. Dan vind ze het fotolijstje met een groep tieners er op. Ze kijkt naar de mensen, iedereen lacht en is zomers gekleed op de achtergrond ziet ze een huis. Het huis waar ze nu in staat.
'zou iedereen er nog zijn?' vraagt ze zich af. 'zal alles weer zo worden als het was?' Darcy draait zich om en bekijkt zichzelf in de spiegel.
'voor haar niet iniedergeval.' bedenkt ze. 'ik ben zo veranderd.' ze friemelt wat aan haar feloranje haar en bekijkt haar kleren. Dan schopt ze haar vans uit en ploft neer op haar bed. Ze ligt nog geen vijf minuten te dromen of haar moeder steekt haar hoofd om de deur.
"Darc?" Zegt ze, Darcy gaat even rechtop zitten. "De verhuizers moeten nog van alles doen, en als je hier blijft loop je denk ik toch alleen maar in de weg. Wil je even wat snoep kopen ofzo? En dan kan je gelijk kijken of je bekenden tegenkomt." Darcy knikt alleen en wacht tot haar moeder weg is. Dan staat ze op, doet haar vans weer aan, pakt haar portemonnee en haar zwarte jackje. Ze rent de trap af, dit keer slaat ze de krakende tree over. Buiten snuift ze de lucht op en in een snelle pas loopt ze richting het 'dorp'.
Het dorp is een lange winkelstraat met wat kleine steegjes met winkeltjes ernaast. Vroeger ging ze altijd met haar vrienden hier wat eten in de pauzes of tussenuren. Dat was voordat ze verhuisde. Ze zouden contact houden, maar dat verwaterde snel. Het ergste vond ze om Jesper achter te laten, hij was haar soulmate, vroeger hadden ze wat maar Darcy vond dat ze nog niet relatieproof was. Ze realiseerd zich nu dat niemand weet dat ze terug is gekomen.
Darcy kijk naar links en ziet een naambord met Lot's staan. Ze blijft er naar kijken, dit is de tent waar zij en Jesper voor het eerst hebben gezoend.
Dan voelt ze dat ze tegen iets groots, warms en hards aanloopt, Darcy stoot haar hoofd tegen iets en valt naar achter.
"Kan je niet uitkijken?" zegt een stem geirriteerd.
"Sorry." Sorry mompeld Darcy, ze kijkt rond op de grond op zoek naar haar naar portemonnee die ze had laten vallen.
"Hier geef me je hand ik help je overeind." Darcy kijkt naar de hand en kijkt dan omhoog. Daar ziet ze het laggende, verouderde gezicht van Jesper. Hij is licht gebruind en zijn donkere krulletjes zijn langer, ze liggen nu nonchalant in zijn nek. Met grote ogen pakt ze zijn hand vast. Als ze op ooghoogte zijn verdwijnd opeens de glimlach van het gezicht van de jongen.
'hij herkend me!' Denkt Darcy hysterisch.
"D-darce?" Zegt Jesper stamelend. Opeens voelt Darcy een vaag gevoel van vreugde, tranen vormen zich in haar ooghoeken. Ze vliegt Jesper om zijn nek en begint te huilen, al snel voelt ze de vertrouwde armen om haar middel sluiten en merkt ze dat Jesper haar optild.

Dat was het voor vandaag...als jullie het leuk vinden schrijf ik verder.

Quote: he een kandelaar op je hoofd? Dan drupt het toch.
Muziek: Uh mediatheek sounds

I Found the Geilste Movie Ever!!!

2007-03-04T09:35:00.000-08:00

Jaaaa mensen het is zover de geilste movie ever is gevonden door ! Moi!
Die blonde is van mij :-p. Veel plezier meisjes met deze Eye-candy
And boys met deze coole tricks....

Dat was m voor vandaag, ik ben uber inspiratieloos of ik heb gewoon one hell van een kater...
nja doeixxxxx

Music: Taking Back Sunday - My own disaster
Quote: 'hou allebei jullie beck voordat jullie dingen gaan zeggen waar je later spijt van krijgt!' (stamping feet on the floor) Ja dat was ik:P

The mirror of truth is a window in an old train

2007-02-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

Jeej ik ben weer terug, heb net iets gevonden wat ik schreef op weg naar Limboland...het was bedoeld voor me Blog.

Ik zit nu hier in de auto, de muziek staat lekker hard, ik negeer mijn moeder die zegt dat mijn muziek zachter moet. Autos zoeven voorbij, een lekker warm zonnetje schijnt naar binnen en verwarmd mijn gezicht. Ik ben op weg naar Limburg, heerlijk een paar dagen zonder zorgen gewoon even chillen met mijn familie. Misschien heb ik het ook wel nodig want je ziet nu ook aan de buitenkant dat ik kapot ben. Gisteren bijvoorbeeld zat ik in de trein. Weer was ik muziek aan het luisteren, het was al donker buiten. Ik zat dwars op de bank en keek naar het raam aan de overkant van het gangpad. Ik zag in de weerspiegeling van het raam een meisje.
Ze zag er moe uit, donkere ringen omlijnde haar ogen haar wangen waren ingevallen. Haar mond bewoog mee met de woorden die ze hoorden via haar dopjes. Het meisje keek triest, waarschijnlijk luisterde ze naar een triest liedje. Heel vaag leek het alsof er zwarte lijnen van tranen over de wangen van het meisje liepen. Huilde ze? Nee, ze huilde niet, niet van de buitenkant tenminste. Het meisje droeg haar kleren met veel lagen over elkaar heen. Ze zag er goed verzorgd uit als je zo naar haar keek maar als je in die weerspiegeling keek weet je wel beter.
Nadat ik dus mijn weerspiegeling had gezien schrok ik me rot, ik zag er bagger uit, in die weerspiegeling in het donkere raam in de trein van Groningen naar Schiphol zag ik dus aan de buitenkant hoe ik me vanbinnen voelde. Gebroken. Die ingevallen wangen daar schrok ik nog het meeste van. Deze ochtend had ik op de weegschaal gestaan en wazig gekeken naar de nummertjes die te laag waren. Mijn dokter vond het ook al. Op internet had ik gezocht hoe ik dit kon maskeren, gewoon veel laagjes dragen en dat dee ik ook.

Nu zit ik hier in de auto en ik rij richting het zuiden. Ik rij weg van huis, wat ik nu wel nodig heb. Ik rij weg van de fouten die ik heb gemaakt en van de dingen en mensen die mij zo erg hebben gekwetst. Ik rij weg van mijn dagelijkse sleur en ik realiseer me dat ik wil dat er iets is veranderd als ik terug kom. Maar de enige die dat kan veranderen ben ik zelf.

Deze laatste dagen van de vakantie moet ik het er maar van nemen en dan moet ik weer hard gaan werken. Misschien ben ik wel blij om weer naar school te gaan een gezicht te vinden, en tegen dat gezicht lachen en als het terug lacht dat alles weer goed komt. Maar nu eerst ga ik morgen naar OMNIA, ik ga lol hebben en ik ga weer mensen zien die ik veel te lang niet heb gezien. En dan zien we wel weer hoe het verdergaat. Carpe Diem! Pluk de dag.

Music: Christina Aguilera - Hurt
Quote: Think Goddamnit!

I Had A Dream

2007-02-17T14:37:00.000-08:00

Jongens en Meisjes, ik heb toch weer zo'n rare droom gehad en ik vind het leuk om jullie daar mee te vervelen. Nu ga er lekker voor zitten en lees eens wat er in mijn hoofd gebeurd als ik lekker warm in bed lig met een kruikje om me pijnlijke heupjes en knietjes warm te houden. (Oké dat klinkt echt oma).

Het was een mooie zonnige dag en ik en Lau hadden het plan om naar het strand te gaan. Haar moeder had geen zin om ons te rijden, dus pakte wij de gloednieuwe wagen en kroop laureen achter het stuur.
Toen zaten we op de snelweg en de wagen was opeens overbevolkt met mensen. Ik zat op de tweede achterbank samen met twee oude vriendinnen van mij die hun haar vreselijk lelijk hadden geblondeerd.
Voor mij zat Laureens zusje, daarnaast zat de jongen van Thimun die Koeweit was en daarnaast een bepaalde jongen, en het is niet de bepaalde dude die jullie denken dat het was want die zat op de voorstoel naast Laureen.
Nouja ik communiceerde met de mensen die voor me zaten door de spiegels, dus steeds kreeg ik vage 'blikken' naar me toegestuurd via de spiegels.
Op een gegeven moment zat Laureen naast me en zei: "Misschien moet je wat actie ondernemen inplaats van het af te laten hangen aan je filmmoment op de trap en de blikken die jullie elkaar nu geven op de trap." Ik wist dat ze gelijk had maar dat zei ik niet tegen haar het enige wat ik zei was:
"Jezus Lau ga terug achter het stuur zitten!"
We reden door richting het strand, ik was me alleen nog bewust van een aantal mensen in de wagen en dat waren de twee bepaalde dudes en Lau. Eenmaal aangekomen op het strand beleefde ik mijn "Reallife A Movielike Slowmotion Love at First Sight Moment".
Weer stond ik met mijn gezicht naar de trap (wtf deed die trap op het strand?). Hij kwam naar beneden gelopen met de zon prachtig mooi op hem, we keken elkaar aan en alles ging in slowmotion weer hoorde ik M's stem: "Ik wil alleen als Seán ook gaat." Maar nog steeds ging alles in slowmotion totdat ik een woord uit mijn mond wist te persen. "Heey."
Op het strand zaten we opeens langs het kampvuur en vertelde we al onze plannen voor dit jaar, maarja die mag ik nu niet vertellen dus sorry. Toen werd ik wakker en merkte dat me kruikje was gevallen.

Nou wat vinden jullie van deze droom? Ik hoop dat jullie ook lekker kunnen slapen nu.
Groeten

Music: Queen - I want to break free
Quote: En hij heeft een kater olé olé!

Fuck it all!

2007-02-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Oke ik ben tot een geweldige conclusie gekomen met al dat Emo gezeur.

Fuck emo, Fuck Wemo, Be original Be TRASH!

Okeej eerst even kijken hoe jullie hier op reageren, ik wil niet Wannabee zijn dus heet mijn Wemo stijl vanaf nu gewoon Trash, omdat ik lekker mix tussen, emo, skater, punk, bohemien en dat alles bij elkaar is Trash.

dus fuck off met emo! want geef toe het wordt veel te commercieel en ik wil orgineel zijn ook als emo éen wat kleinere groep is dan kakker of skater het gaat om het idee.

doei xxx

Record!

2007-02-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ik wil een record behalen dus vandaar weer een update! Gnagnagna
De valentijns sferen komen er goed in! Ik heb al een paar prachtige plannetjes bedacht en ik denk dat jullie ze vast ook prachtig zullen vinden.
Fietsen was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. En toen ik op school aankwam (1e 3 uur vrij) begon het te sneeuwen. Toen kwam ik er ook achter dat Maxime alweer naar huis ging. WTF!? Ik kwam net aan. Toen ik terug ging leek het uren te duren, bijna weer op mijn plaat gegaan omdat barbara voor mij opeens stopte. Ze wou een foto maken van het mooie uitzicht. Nou het is haar gelukt hoor! Kijk eens wat een plaatje.

Mijn post van gister heeft nogal wat reacties gekregen merk ik. Een paar minuten geleden ging mijn fantastische POTC deuntje weer af. En ja hoor het was weer Daa. Even een explanation voor jullie, Daa is een vriend van me, maar met hem hou ik gesprekken die meisjes normaal hebben met elkaar. Maar het is super grappig, en btw Daa is geen homo. Maarja daa belde dus, en ik had al zo’n gevoel dat het over mijn post ging. Ready for another boring conv.?

L: *krijgt een hoestaanval*
D: Ook hallo
L: Hej Daa.
D: Lekker rokershoestje
L: Is het niet
D: Is het wel, hoelang ben je nou gestopt?
L: Ik pass
D: Ja dat dacht ik al.
L: Maar wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
D: Duus…
L: hihi
D: Gaat het wel?
L: Ja hoor hoezo? Ik doe gewoon even gek.
D: Ik bedoel die post van gister.
L: Oh dat, ja hoor gewoon even alles er uit gooien.
D: tijd van de maand?
L: Nee…
D: Ga jij de 24e?
L: duuh
D: Wat duh?
L: haha
D: Wat haha?
L: Je accent is zo grappig.
D: Jaja, ik weet dat jij mijn accent adoreert.
L: Ja, ik ben van plan een fanclub op te richten.
D: Waag het niet.
L: Watch me.
D: zucht waar ben ik mee bezig.
L: Ik weet niet hoezo?
D: ik weet waar jij toe in staat bent.
L: Muwhahahahaha
D: Maar ga je?
L: Waarheen?
D: Oh jeetje, de 24e…..
L: Oh ja! Natuurlijk ga ik! Wat een gekke vraag.
D: Just checking.
L: En jij gaat toch merch doen?
D: Ja, wie is kip?
L: huh? Hoezo?
D: Ik lees dat je met Kim en Kip gaat.
L: Kip is een collega, en een vriend.
D: Ah okeej
L: Wat ga jij aandoen?
D: Gewoon wat ik altijd aan heb. Jij?
L: Nog geen idee, ik denk gewoon mijn rok met cutty ofzo.
D: Die was toch gekrompen?
L: Oh ja kut.
D: haha
L: Wat?
D: ik weet gewoon meer dingen over jou kleren dan jezelf! Dat is cool.
L: Besef je nu wel wat je zegt?
D: Bij alle goden nog aan toe!
L: hm okeej
D: Dat is een leuke uitspraak.
L: Het zal wel.
D: Ik moet gaan sorry.
L: No bad feelings.
D: Gelukkig
L: Ik weet het.
D: doei schat
L: dag dag zwaai zwaai.

Weetje welke clip jullie allemaal moeten gaan bekijken? (oke dat was gewoon raar nederlands). Nickelback – If everyone cared.
Ik kreeg er kippevel van. Ik vind dat ze weer eens een toppie liedje hebben gemaakt. I’m still in love with chad kroeger.
Nu heb ik honger, pijn aan mijn ogen van de sneeuw en pijn in mijn kont van het zitten. Ik kwam net eigenlijk op het idee van “what i should have done” met thimun. Om GC nog meer te dissen. Ik had toen de hele committee gewoon uit de hand liep naar voren moeten gaan en zeggen tegen de chair:

“You asshole why didn’t you call me back? And for all the admirers out there his number is. 0651******. If you did not get that one just send me a note! Brazil yields the floor back to the GC.”

Ik en de andere brazilian queen dachten er serieus aan om dat te zeggen maar iets hield ons tegen. Eigenlijk zou ik het nooit doen maar het zou zo grappig geweest zijn. No hard feelings voor de GC je bent nog steeds aardig hoor.

Dat was het voor vandaag
Doeixxxx
Music: Scissor Sisters – I dont feel like dancing.

This is me

2007-02-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

Sit back and relax,
ik wil nu dat je even goed gaat luisteren, nu ga ik me even goed uitten.
Ik wil geen masker meer dragen ik wil dat je begrijpt hoe ik me voel!
Nee ik weet niet hoe jij je voelt.
Je verteld niet wat er aan de hand is en dat killt me.
Ik wil niet meer "the girl who eventually cries herself to sleep..." zijn.
Elke dag vraag ik mezelf af hoe het zo heeft kunnen lopen.
Het had zo mooi kunnen zijn maar je sloot jezelf af.
Nu zit ik hier, opgedroogd door alle gebeurtenissen die even teveel zijn.
Mijn ouders denken dat ik depressief ben.
Ik ben het niet!
Ik voel me prima, maar dat ene dingetje blijft knagen.

If everyone cared and nobody cried/lied/died
dat zou een prachtige wereld zijn
misschien kan ik helpen misschien moet ik maar blijven wachten.
Freedom of speech is het beste dat je krijgen
Waarom durf ik dan niks te zeggen?
Kan jij me helpen mezelf weer te zijn en in mezelf te geloven?
Ik weet niet waarom ik dit vaag inelkaargezette verhaal schrijf.
Die onzekerheid blijft me achtervolgen, maar ook:
Your face is haunting me,
let us meet randomly, laat me zien hoe je dan bent, onvoorbereid en onschuldig.
Let us meet, let us meet period.
Liedjes die ik luister spelen allemaal af op mijn gevoel
Shuffle doet wat met me, het fucked met me.
Ik voel me zoals de lyrics

Ik wordt officieel gek misschien moet ik maar stoppen met typen, maar mijn vingers jeuken en willen alles wat ik voel op papier zetten...ik wil het tegenhouden door te doen wat ik niet mag. Mijn grote zonde, maar het is van mij.
Groeten

Typical moments

2007-02-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

Het sneeuwt buiten, met andere woorden het is koud, nat kutweer! Oh en het is ook nog glad. Ik zit lekker warm in de auto, met een diepe zucht merk ik dat we al thuis zijn. De afstand tussen ons huis en de auto in ongeveer 10 meter. We stoppen voor ons huis, beteuterd kijk ik naar buiten. "Alsjeblieft." Zegt mijn moeder als ze me de sleutel geeft. Ik pak de sleutel aan stop mijn telefoon in mijn jaszak en klem het zakje van de bodyshop tussen mijn duim en wijsvinger.
"Rennen!" roept mijn moeder me nog na, zodra ik de deur van de auto open heb gedaan spring ik eruit en ren ik naar de achterbak, gelukkig krijg ik die gelijk open. Ik pak mijn rugzak en zwaai hem over mijn schouder. Ik hoor me moeder nog iets zeggen dat veel weg heeft van "Blad." Ik begin in richting van mijn huis te rennen, ik ben er bijna, tot dat mijn voeten voor me uit glijden en ik binnen de kortste keren met mijn kont in de sneeuw lig. Ik probeer op te staan maar glij weer uit.
Daar zit ik dus midden in mijn straat in de ijskoude sneeuw, nu weet ik wat mijn moeder probeerde te zeggen.
"Pas op het is Glad."
Ik doe weer een poging om op te staan en dit keer lukt, rustig loop ik naar mijn deur, voor het opstapje glij ik weer uit maar gelukkig weet ik mezelf vast te grijpen aan de muur. Na dit avontuur bereik ik veilig mijn huis. Godzijdank is binnen de verwarming aan.

[ ... ]

'zucht' denk ik als ik het liedje hoor. Met wazige ogen kijk ik naar de tools die voor mij liggen. Dit moet ik dus leren voor morgen. Het zuigt hard.
Een rilling gaat over mijn rug als de vrouw in het liedje begint te zingen.
"Het is allemaal zo fucked up!" Zeg ik terwijl ik naar de muur voor me kijk. Ik zie dat er oude post-its hangen en gedachteloos gooi ik er een paar weg. Ik voel tranen opkomen, of nee, niet tranen maar het gevoel dat je krijgt als je moet huilen. Ik leg mijn voorhoofd in mijn handen. 'laat die stortvloed maar komen.' denk ik. Ik wacht en ik wacht maar er komt niks.
"Dit is helemaal fucked up!" zeg ik weer, (ja ik weet het ik praat tegen mezelf, of tegen de knuffel die op mijn bureau staat.) "Ik voel me fucking klote, en ik ben zo opgedroogd en futloos dat ik niet eens een potje kan janken."
Ik ga verder met het leren van de tools, wat al snel is gedaan. Ik zet mijn beeldscherm weer aan. 'ah!' denk ik 'dan ga ik maar even met Kip praten.'

[ ... ]

'Ah leuk deuntje!' denk ik. 'ik moet weer eens POTC gaan kijken. wacht even....FUCK dat is mijn telefoon.' Ik duw mezelf af van het bureau en spring van mijn stoel, snel ren ik de trap af waar ik heel typisch weer bijna op mijn plaat ga. Beneden aangekomen ren ik naar mijn jas en haal mijn telefoon er uit. Ik kijk op mijn schermpje en zie dat het Daa is.
L: Hallo?
D: Waarom is er uberhaubt een god?
L: Heej Daa.
D: Waarom?
L: Zodat mensen ergens in kunnen geloven als er iets onverklaarbaars gebeurd.
D: Maar waarom een dictator die de regels uitdeelt voor elk mens?
L: Geen idee.
D: Dat weet je wel...
L: Omdat ehm...omdat wij mensen zo dom zijn dat we een leider nodig hebben, en dan maar iemand die zogezegd bovennatuurlijke krachten heeft.
D: Maar die krachten zijn toch ook een soort wapens?
L: Ja zo kan je het ook bekijken.
D: Dus wat zeuren die mensen nou als er een dictator aan de macht komt?
L: Mag ik je er aan herinneren dat je zelf ook een mens bent? En die dictators die aan de macht komen die vermoorden al mensen.
D: Ah zo.
L: Waarom bel je?
D: Ik moet godsdienst leren en ik heb er geen zin in.
L: Maar je verdiept je er zo in dat je mij gaat bellen?
D: Inderdaad ja.
L: Ik ben blij dat ik geen godsdienst meer heb.
D: Misschien ben je daarom ook wel Pagan, want die leraren hebben je niet op tijd bekeerd.
L: Misschien wel ja. Maar hoe gaat het met jou?
D: Goed hoor, verveeld.
L: Vertel mij wat, ik heb net engels geleerd maar ik moet wiskunde gaan inhalen.
D: Hm okee, wat luister je?
L: Three Days Grace.
D: Offcourse
L: Wat?
D: Nou het klonk al als zo een typische lotte band.
L: Sure Daa.
D: Hoe was het ziekenhuis?
L: Verneukt, nog steeds geen antwoorden en weer een vaag onderzoek erbij. Ik word gek.
D: Waarom?
L: Omdat ik ervan af wil, gewoon normaal leven lijden als elke tiener.
D: Uitgaan? Zuipen?
L: Onder anderen, maar uitgaan gaat wel lukken ik ben nu 15 enne half t mag!
D: Chill!
L: Waar hadden we het ookalweer over?
D: Dictators...
L: Hm juist, weet je nog leuk onderwerp?
D: Met valentijn ga ik geen kaartje versturen en jij?
L: Ik wel
D: Naar wie?
L: Geheim
D: Ik kan wel raden wie eigenlijk.
L: Duh
D: Ik hou er al over op okej.
L: Mooi, oh ik ga eigenlijk twee versturen maar eentje is een galler.
D: Naar wie dan?
L: GC
D: WAT!?
L: GC, weetje nog, knipoog knipoog
D: Ooooooh GC! Hoezo dan?
L: Omdat hij zo raar deed.
D: alleen daarom?
L: Nog meer maar dat leg ik nog wel uit.
D: Oh oh
L: Wat?
D: nou als je geen tijd hebt om wat uit te leggen dan is het gesprek altijd bijna afgelopen.
L: Inderdaad ik moet wiskunde gaan doen.
D: Wat doe je nu? ik hoor je typen.
L: Ik update mijn blog.
D: Hm okej.
L: Ik moet nu echt wiskunde gaan doen.
D: Okeej ik bel vanavond nog wel.
L: Oké, doei
D: Doeggg

*tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut*

Interessant he?

Wait a little poem.

Your face,
I adored it,
Nice words came out of your mouth.
Your face,
I hated it,
Nothing came out of your moth.
Your face,
It’s Haunting me.
Now too sweet words are coming out of your mouth.

What are you doing to my mind? Make up YOUR mind.
Doeiiixxxx

Quote: "What I say may be wise, but what I do is the opposite" © BotjeLS

Meet Botje!

2007-02-03T05:17:00.000-08:00

Long times no see; I know it has been a long time. A lot has happened but I don’t really feel like ‘explaining’ everything. In fact I don’t really feel like writing in English either. So sorry for that maybe I will switch over in English later on.

Ik heb me nog nooit zo futloos gevoeld, ik heb misschien genoeg energie voor alles, spring in het rond, lach en probeer kip en andere mensen te vloeren maar daar houdt het denk ik op. Er blijft steeds iets in me hoofd hangen, misschien weten jullie wel wat als je zondag en maandag met me hebt gepraat op msn. Wat jullie misschien ook wel weten is dat ik ziek ben geweest. GEWEEST godzijdank en nu barst ik van energie. Ik haat het om ziek te zijn, je zit dan alleen beetje op de bank je kut te voelen een beetje over dingen na te denken waar je he-le-maal niet over wilt nadenken.
Ik barst nu weer van de energie maar ik denk nog steeds over die dingen na. Arg uber irritant. Dus denk ik tjah dan moet ik maar iets anders hebben om te doen. Gelukkig heb ik nog wat school opdrachten, moet ik nog aantal verhalen schrijven en een column. Maar natuurlijk gelukkig is daar Botje!
Botje is iemand die ik heb ontmoet op een vaag forum, hij/zij woont in Californië en samen krijgen we onze kick van mooie zinnen. Botje lacht vaak om de zinnen of krijgt er kippenvel van, en ik huil meestal om de zinnen en krijg ook kippenvel. Samen hebben we wel eens wat vrienden uit de nood geholpen door met onze zinnen te helpen bij lyrics. We maken die zinnen zelf en zijn er trots op. Achter elke zin zit een verhaal, als je veel met ons om gaat weet je zo om welke gebeurtenis het gaat. Maar soms ook niet omdat het een verzonnen verhaal is of omdat het op een liedje slaat. Onze inspiratie?: Muziek en ons leven. (en de dingen die mensen mij flikken. Heeft botje eens gezegt.)
Botje is fantastisch met deze zinnen te bedenken ik zal er zo een paar plaatsen, botje maakt ze om mensen te laten begrijpen hoe hij zich voelt over wat er is gebeurd. Ik doe dat ook wel denk ik maar ik weet niet of het al werkt bij mij. Bij botje in ieder geval wel, hij heeft nu succes in de liefde dankzij zijn mooie zinnen. Ik ben vereerd om onze zinnen hier te plaatsen!

“I need someone to say ‘goodbye’ to and after that to come home to, to fall asleep in his arms and feel safe.” © BotjeLS

“My eyes are hollow and my strength fades away, please be clear and honest because I cannot sleep at night.” © BotjeLS

“Look an Angel in the Eyes, Slap a Devil in the Face.” © BotjeLS

“Love Is A Poem Pronounces By A God.” © BotjeLS

“Sometimes I Want to Faint, and know for sure that you will catch me.” © BotjeLS

“Let me scream, let me cry, let me hate you, let me die, but no matter what let me love you.” © BotjeLS

“I feel imprisoned by my own body, will you come, kiss me and set me free?” © BotjeLS

“Give me the wheel and let me be you chauffeur, I know I will steer us in the ravine.” © BotjeLS

“Call me when you want to end your life and let me convince you that I still love you.” © BotjeLS

“Take my hand, and take the shot, I will make sure that whatever happened to you will not happen again, just trust me take my hand and I will save you.” © BotjeLS

“Lit the dynamite and remove the wall that keeps you from doing what you want.” © BotjeLS

“Crying makes no sense when you just had such a good time.” © BotjeLS

“You were just a bad trip, but I want to try it again with some other pills and look if it turns out good this time.” © BotjeLS

“I will love you all that long, and I will stay here until you….” © BotjeLS

“Hold my hand ‘till the end.” © BotjeLS

Dat was nog niet eens de helft, ik weet het er zijn er al een aantal maar we hebben er nog veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel meer! Sommige heb ik niet neergezet omdat die al gebruikt worden voor sommige projecten en voor lyrics dus anders zou er misschien op een foute manier gebruik van worden gemaakt. Misbruik van onze geniale breinen. *shock*.

Oh mensjes ! het is bijna valentijnsdag!
Hebben jullie al een gelukkige uitgekozen voor dit jaar? Wat wordt het een roos (van focking 2 euro!) versturen op school? Zelf een lief dingetje maken? Een kaartje versturen? Wat gezelligs doen met je lover? Of wordt het een E-card?
Ik vind e-card het makkelijkste klinken maar dat is zo afgezaagd. Alsof je geen moeite wilt doen voor je liefje, gewoon even 5 minuten achter je computer zitten en een kaartje versturen. Ik ben persoonlijk voor de roos, maar omdat deze zo belachelijk duur is geworden weet ik het niet zeker en in knutselen ben ik ook niet zo goed. We zien nog wel. We hebben nog twee weken.

Ik denk dat ik het hier maar bij houd vandaag! Volgende keer weer engels denk ik! Maar ik vind dat nederlands ook wel simpel eigenlijk. Het veranderd nog steeds niks, ik kan nog steeds niet spellen en ik zuig in grammatica.

En als jullie meer over botje willen weten ask me :p maar botje wil anoniem blijven xD.

One big Q:

Who wouldn't love him? this cutie aaaaaaw!

Music: Starsplash – Rainbow in the sky (*sigh*)
Quote: Carpe Diem kip! Je moet naar spanje!!
Health: YES BETER!

A Part Of My Life...

2007-01-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

Because I had the first three periods off I had to go to the Gym for my physiotherapy. I have to be there at 8 in the morning. So getting up early and I already was pretty ‘Brak’ because Tuesday night I went to Grease the musical, so I got in bed quite late. I was still half sleeping when I got downstairs. My mom asked me what classes I got, Maths, French, German and English tto I answered. Why? She explained that all lessons after 5th where ‘facculatief’ so you did not have to go to them. Then she said that the wind was blowing so hard that it was actually dangerous to go on my bike all the way to school. So we came to the conclusion that I will go to the gym and after that just stay home and study for the test week.

When I was at the gym an old man came to me and asked why I was here. I answered to him that I had rheumatism. ‘But isn’t it too early for that?’ Well normally it is but I am supposed to me the lucky kid of 1000 other kids who has the youth form. The man told me he also has rheumatism for 40 years now. I felt quite sorry for him I told him that but he was like:
‘Do not bother I am old enough and have done a lot of fun stuff in my life, I still can do that. It is a shame that such a young girl has it, there are so many things you still have to do and that you have Rheumatism might make you that you cannot do that.’ I only nodded it was true. ‘ But I still can get over it.’ I said to the man. ‘It will only take some years.’ The man whished me good luck in my life.

This was actually the first time I talked to someone with Rheumatism in person, I mean I know no one here who has it too, and certainly not teenagers.

Over one year ago the doctor said to me that I had some form of youth rheumatism. I thought it would shock me, but it didn’t. I had no idea what to expect from it, the only thing I wanted was to get over this 24/7 pain in my hands. Soon after the doctor had told me the diagnose I got my medicine. They did not work and the pain got into my whole body. The doctor said that there were infections in the joints in my hands, hips, shoulders, elbows and knees. There were also some weird spots on my feet. Because I could not even bend my wrists in a 90 degrees angle the doctor thought that these joints were infected earlier. I was shocked to hear that this was in my whole body. The doctor was talking about getting a special pen to write with, putting my schoolbag at the back of my bike and maybe even get a laptop to work on at school. I also had to keep al my joints warm. My mom bought me ‘armwarmers’ I had to wear them the whole day, inside as well as outside. I didn’t like these things they just did not match my outfits and it sucked while I was writing. It only took two weeks and I did not wear them anymore.

I also got new medicine; I am still taking these ones. It is painkillers and they are supposed to make the infections in my wrist less. The side effects were horrible, I was dull al day long could not pay attention at school and my reactive power was like very bad. The first three weeks I did not dare to cycle alone because like the second day I was almost to slow to brake on time.

I also could not drink alcohol with the medicine. I tried one time and I got just so sick, dizzy and like the whole package. I found this so sucking because all of my friends were like experimenting with alcohol. Getting drunk and at parties everyone was drinking alcohol and I tried to find fun in other things.

Sometimes I saw that people did not understood what was going on with me, and sometimes I did not even know what was going on with me. Always when I got out of school I was exhausted everything hurt, especially my knees, hips and shoulders. Sometimes I got home and started crying on my bed. I remember one time that it was raining and my jeans was soaked and my gloves too. I still had to cycle two kilometers when the everyday pain got worse. I was screaming because it felt like someone was hitting on my knees and hips with an ice-cold hammer. My face was cold and wet of the rain, I felt that warm tears were rolling down on my cheeks. Somehow I managed to get home, thank god my mom was home. When I got home I collapsed and started crying real hard. ‘Why me mom?’ I cried, ‘One at the thousand kids get it mom! Why me!?’ my mom did not answer the question she just cared for me and stayed with me.

Sometimes I still have that thought, Why me? I still cry over it. But then I think, okay this happened to me I have to live with it. How hard it is. Sometimes when I tell people that I have Rheumatism they look weird at me and ask me if that isn’t that disease old people get? And sometimes when I tell them they only say ‘oh’ I think not much people know what it means to have it. You live everyday with pain, from the time you wake up until you go to sleep at night and then you are exhausted.

The worse time is when it is cold and wet, even when you are dressed warm you still have pain. The wet cold is getting through all your clothes. It is horrific.

When the summer was over I got new medicine, which would lead to 5 pills per day. These medicines would also make me duller but I could also have weird mood changes. I did not tell my friends about this, because it could sound like a weird excuse. Actually I do not have a lot of trouble with these supposed ‘mood changes’ only when the pain gets worse.

The last three months were like the worse I have ever had, my doctor suggested to take one pill less. I was happy to hear that because I hated to take all this chemical stuff but after two weeks the pain got worse. First I thought it was because of the weather that was getting colder but much later I came to the conclusion that it was because of the one pill I was not taking.

When I am cycling I have strong pains in my left hip. When I get at school after the exhausting cycle my shoulders hurt when I have to walk to the classroom. When it is cold and wet my fingers hurt and I can barely move them. When I get back to school on the bike my hips and knees hurt. At home my shoulders, hands and elbows hurt when I am doing homework. While working my hands hurt.

This is like the ‘schedule’ of pain of every day. I am trying to do as much as every ordinary teenager would do. Since 4 months I work and I am enjoying it, not everyone knows that I have Rheumatism, but I do not want them to think that I am weak.

A good friend of me said to me like 5 months ago that this rheumatism has embittered me. I think it kind of has, but not that big. Sometimes I look at this life quite different then I did one year ago. I have also changed during the year, I came more interested in paganism, and I started listening quite different music. Sometime is seek refuge in the music, it has gotten very important to me. Maybe I have changed the way I look too, some friends say to me I have. ‘You have gotten more into a Rocker.’ Someone said to me once. But when you have this you have to change your way of living and with it you change yourself. All I can say now is that I hope I will get over it soon because like the old man said: ‘There are so many things I still have to do.’

I do not know why I am telling you this, it was just such a relief. First I was thinking not to post it because it was quite personal, and because I cried when I wrote some stuff down. But this blog is about my life and unfortunately rheumatism has become a part of my life.

Greenthings

Music: Three Days Grace – Pain
Quote: Do not think about the things you can’t do, but about the things you can do. (Steve (OMNIA) has sent this to me once)

Welcome To NH Gangstertown, I Love This City...

2007-01-05T14:06:00.001-08:00

Heej long time no see! The Kerstvakantie was so friggin boring sometimes. Kerstbal was cool, accept for the dj who was quite shitty and played some shit music. During Kerstbal I got sick an my throat hurt so bad because of all the smoke around there.

Christmas was cool, just had dinner with my family, Wednesday the 27th I went to Apassionata, a horse show. It was very spectacular and fun together with Esteli and Mirte. On the 29th in went to the ‘borrel’ of elaina and Baay. I ate so much that I almost exploded, but the borrel was fun and the people too. Baay got a tie from Kirsten and Sasha with reindeers on it and when you pressed a button it started playing some Christmas song. Baay promised he would wear it to ThiMUN.

With new-year I didn’t do much, Jesse had a plan to go to the skatepark because there was going to be a big fire, but the day before some dudes already put it on. But also the weather was shitty, with rain and a lot of wind. So lisa and I just walked around and ate and drink something. Later we went to Fleur because it was her birthday and then we again walked around in the neighbourhood. Actually I did not remember a lot of new-year, only that I did not feel that well. And that was not because I drank too much alcohol.

Last three days my cousin was here, we went to Leiden to go shopping, he bought new shoes and I bought a T-shirt. After that we went to Eragon. Apart from everyone who said it was such a bad movie, I liked it. Yesterday we went to Amsterdam, I bought a very, very fine Gsus dress. It is black with on the sleeve some glittery thingie, and it has a belt. It is sooooo cool and I absolutely adore it. I also bought a bag with AMSTERDAM written on it and a Duckie with a crown.

Now I am going to tell you a nice story about Noord Hofland Gangstertown. I live in the nice village of Voorschoten in the area called Noord Hofland. Apparently some guys think this area is like the ghetto and made some gangstersgroups, which every once in a while fight with each other. It does not really bother me, everyone knows these dudes smoke weed, steal, and carry knives with them. Just ignore them and you are fine.
On Wednesday evening, Claudia, Lars, Kjeld and I were talking in front of the C1000 after work. Claudia tried to get her keys back from Lars cus he ‘stole’ them from her. Kjeld and I were standing like 8 meters away from it just talking about random stuff. Then two guys on a bike came by (I am not going to say that they both were black and dressed up like wannabe gangsters, (dutch word = Sjonnies)) well they were looking all weird at us and stuff and when they came by Clau and Lars they started screaming stuff at them. Well Lars said something to a guy with a weird hat and he was all like: Shut up or ill put a knife between your ribs. Lars thought he was bluffing and said something like yeah alright. Well the dude made a great fuss over it and all but eventually he and the other dude left. After like 5 minutes the dudes came back with 3 more! That was like 5 against 4 and we were with two girls. They started threatening Lars and one big guy was like don’t give a big mouth to him or I’ll come buy with my knife. Lars said something like: Okay cool I wont. But still he gave him a head-butt. Claudia was screaming and said that the guys should piss off and act normal. The guys called her a Wiswijf but she didn’t care. Meanwhile some dudes came to kjeld and me, Kjeld was getting his phone out of his pocket and one guy all freaked out and said: What are you doing? Are you getting a knife? And then he explained that he was just getting his phone. I said to the guy that he just had to go and not making such a big fuss out of it. He said that I had to like shut my mouth . Well then I went to Lars and Claudia to see what was going on, but then I turned around and saw that three or two guys were picking on Kjeld. They also gave him a head-butt. I went to stand next to Kjeld and just hold him. Because kjeld had called his father the Sjonnies all freaked out. Thne Claudia said to me that she was going to call the police. The sjonnies got scared and left. But then I realised that I had seen this guys before, walking around in my neighbourhood like every day. On that moment I really got scared and did not dare to walk home all by myself. After 2 minutes lars and kjeld their dad came in the car and a minute later their mother. Kjeld got into the car with his dad. Lars said he would get Claudia home and their mother brought me home.

It was weird that I was not scared at the moment and that only half can remember what the guys said to me or the others. I don’t even know if they threatened me too. The only thing I thought of was just stay calm and make sure no one of us gets hurt, maybe that is why I held Kjeld his arm all the time. When I got home I was a bit shaky but it was over after like 5 minutes.
Really I am so glad to live in NoordHofland Gangstertown. Maybe I am just a Coward but I am really shaky for the moment I will meet one of those Sjonnies again, and certainly when I walk alone in the dark. Lars said he is carrying a knife with him now.
Well Michiel said he knew one of the guys and they are going to apologize. That’s cool, because not feeling quite safe in your own neighbourhood where you lived for like 12 years sucks.

Ah Kerstvakantie is almost over and I haven’t done shit for my Proefwerkweek, and my reso got erased =S so I have to start all over again!
Well byee byee Love you all! CU @ the next post.

Quote: ‘Wooptiedoo I got Chocolate chip cookies!’
Music: Incubus – Drive

Almost Kerstbal

2006-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Howdi hi folks!
It has been almost three weeks since my last post (I got an oscar right). I waited until several people came begging on their knees for a new post. Well on their knees would be like an understatement but like 5 people said to me that I had to update my blog. Well for all those darlings out there a new post!

So friggin much has happened lately, and I’ve forgot almost everything. Ahm just give me a few minutes to think….

I heard something about Nienie being NSP? Is that right? And to nienie….WHY!?

Everyone is quite excited, (wooptiedoo’) about the whole housing process related to thimun. Like Laurens is all obsessed by those people, he even gave me the link of the club some USA kids are in :-p. Yes some of our housing peeps are Americans, somewhere in my naughty (wtf!?) dreams I hope for a movie star type of guy getting of that plane, introduces him and says he stays at my place.
That probably would never happen because there are like 5 guys in the USA group and they’ll probably be housed at some guys place. Too bad for my whole movie star scenario. Well I promise you I will not cry.

So peeps, lets talk about the KERSTBAL! Because nienie, max and steef aint going that only keeps me (or maybe Emilie) to talk about it. Oh the reasen they are not going is because they are too 'vriendloos' . And believe me that were not my words!
Im so friggin excited about it! Im soooooo looking forward to is :-p. Today I bought my shoes, they are so cool and beautiful. It are pumps with a Sleehak ^^. I’ve already bought my clothes talked about it before. You know the corset and skirt. Well anyways we are prepared!
Laureen and me made some promises to each others, well you can also call them bets :P. actually they are quite nasty and ahm…cheap. But what the hell I want to have fun!
It is going to be fun. Schedule for tomorrow:
8.30 get up, take a shower, eat, dry my hear and get my schoolbag.
9.30 Go to Kip’s place and get my package for a secret meeting xD.
10.00 – 10.15 arrive at laureens place and give ‘dump’ my stuff.
10.40-11.00 get off to go to school, for class =S.
11.00 – 14.30 go to school take class (probably watching bad movies all day) and drool at someone’s feet =P rofl!
14.30 Get my bag from my moms room and get off to Laureens place again.
After that, just eat and get ready for the party!!!!

I think this is enough for now….
I am tired and want to look Sissi!
Greets love and Merry Christmas!!!
Love ya all!

Music : Soil – Halo

Quote: Cowboy Cowboy riding on a rodeo, can you be the one for him…..

Games, copied from O'herne Clan

2006-12-03T04:40:00.000-08:00

This one I Copied from Spacemonkey 91.
Put your whole playlist on shuffle. With every question say what song is playing. Bladiebla

Opening credits:
Stone Sour – Zzyxz Rd.

Waking up:
HIM – wings of a butterfly

First day at school:
Blink 182 – First Date

Falling in love:
50Cent – Candy Shop

Breaking up:
Black Eyed Peas ft. Sergio Mendes – Masque Nada

Prom:
Robbie Williams – Rudebox

Life’s okay:
Nickelback - Photograph

Mental breakdown:
Evanescence – sweet sacrifice

Driving:
Puddle of Mud – She Hates Me

Flashback:
Three Days Grace - Home

Getting back together:
HIM – You are The One

Wedding:
Blue ft. Elton John – sorry seems to be the hardest word

Birth of child:
Pirates of the Carribean Themesong (jack Sparrow)

Final battle:
Evanescence – Good Enough

Death scene:
Soundtrack – Moulin Rouge – A story About Love

Funeral song:
Greenday – Are we the Waiting

End credits:
Juanes ft. Nelly Furtado - Fotografia

Birth of Child POTC theme? Is my child gonna be a pirate or as cool as Johnny depp?

From Queen of Multitasking:
'' Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Webcheating is frowned upon. ''

I just put WMP on shuffle :P And the ones that are correct ill put in italics.

1. She's A Rebel, She's A saint, She's salt of the earth, And she's dangerous.
2. So I sing a song To reel 'em in.
3. Trust me, There’s no need to fear.
4. If I was a rich girl (na, na....)
5. Manhunt to find your daughter.
6. I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
7. Who knows what tomorrow brings In a world few hearts survive?
8. Don't know what's going on, Don't know what went wrong.
9. We dont need no education.
10.I guess I like it when we play.
11.Lithium, dont want to lock me up inside.
12.Today tomorrow seems so far away.
13.(when this began) I had nothing to say and I get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
14.Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing.
15.I'm walking through your streets

Have fun! And sorry cor copying:P
Greeeeeeeeeeeeetsss

Sinterklaas Rocks!

2006-12-02T11:58:00.001-08:00

I’ve got a Zwartepietenmuts! And an Oscar cuz my grammar and spelling skills suck! I already knew that but now I got a price for it, that’s like amazing.
Got dumped by my parent while we were doing our Sinterklaas & Kerstbal shopping. My parents came up with a fine plan for me, to go home WALKING! Wtf! That’s like 5 km, or otherwise take the bus. Well at the end I got a ride from Robbert! I’m still very thankful for that. And right now Robbert feels good because he’s mentioned again!
I bought all the Sinterklaas presents I needed, now I have to make a poem for the one I had to buy a present for. =p. I also bought an outfit for the ‘Kerstbal’ @ our school. It’s a skirt with a corset. Its so cool, the corset fits perfect! I also got some awesome jewellery after the ‘Kerstbal’ I’ll post a pic to show you all how I looked.
Today at work Jolanthe and me got a Zwartepietenmuts, we were wearing them during work and suddenly a little girl came to me and asked me if I was Zwartepiet. First I thought, I’m quite white but what the hell. So I said yes, then she asked me if I knew where she could find the Pepernoten. It was so friggin cute, if someone asks me to be Zwartepiet I’m gonna say yes! I wanna be a Zwartepiet!
I absolutely love my three new CDs! They’re from:
Stone Sour
Three Days Grace
Evanescence
There are too many cool songs on them and I keep playing them, there are some songs I even know the lyrics from. So again Robbert THX!!!!!

Okay maybe some of you saw the comment from the SA. Just to show you.

Dear Lotte,

I keep checking your blog again and again, and each time I'm more inspired by you and your life. I'm very anxious to meet you in real life again. Things have been put into motion recently, but unfortunatly it wasn't ment be. A reunion is on it's way though, and this time, I'll make sure you're going to be invited!

- A Secret Admirer
Do you all see the again? That kind of means I’ve already met my SA. Now im so friggin confused and curious! I wanna know who he is! So this message is for my SA.

Dear SA,
Do you want to give me a hint who you are? I’m so curious. And have we already met? I’m, so confused right now.
Byee Lotte

Well that’s about it for today. Gonna figure out how to write that poem right now.
Greetz

Music: Stone Sour – Zzyxz Rd.

Quote: You are Obsessed with Obsessions.

Tests

2006-11-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

Did some tests on Blogthings.com Some funny and interesting things came out of the tests. Ill post some:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Birthdate: August 2

You're so intuitive, it's like you have a sixth, seventh, and eighth sense.
You connect with others freely and easily - and you tend to have many best friends.
Warm and caring, it's hard for you to close your heart to anyone.
Affection is like air for you - you need to give and receive it to survive.

Your strength: Your universal compassion

Your weakness: Your unpredictable mood swings

Your power color: Mauve

Your power symbol: Butterfly

Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

If You Were Born in 2893...

Your Name Would Be: Hana Aoi

And You Would Be: A Prophet

If You Were Born in 2893

Your Personality Is Like Alcohol

You're the life of the party, a total flirt, and probably a pretty big jokester.
Sometimes your behavior gets you in trouble, but you still remain socially acceptable.
You're a pretty bad driver, and you're dancing could also use a little work!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Your 1920's Name is:

Georgetta Esperanza

What's Your 1920's Name?

That was about it.
Greetings

Black Out

2006-11-29T08:57:00.001-08:00

I just saw the most WRONG musicvideo in the history of bad music. I think I’m traumatised for life. If anyone of you wants a Trauma just go to Google video and search for Gunther, choose one of his videos and let the Trauma begin.
I mean is this dude for real with his songs named ‘Teeny Weeny String bikini’ ? Okay in some case it is funny but not really my kind of music. Ah thx to robbert he gave me a link to some good music, but he also gave me the Gunther link. It is gonna take him long before I get over my Trauma.

My hands are frozen. Around 1615 I went to the C1000 to check my bank account, get some energy drink, candy and toothpaste. There I met Robbert, and we stood in front of the c1000 for like 30 minutes then we got to my house. Although we met Joost in front of my house and stood there talking for another hour I guess. Well the conclusion is, I’m frozen. But it was nice talking bout random stuff and not thinking about school, and thinking and being afraid for Friday.

BTW im not gonna talk about schizophrenic Nienie, Stephs SAs and my SA! There is too much talking about that stuff.

Okay from now on my mind is completely blank, I only can focus on the music im listening and the conversations on MSN. It’s a shame because I did think of things I could write and stuff. Aaaaaaaaaaaah blank….
Whats it called? Ooooh, Blackout!

Well ill write about all the stuff later.

Music: Nickelback – Little Friend

Quote: Teeny Weeny String Bikini

Dunglish An Official Language?

2006-11-22T11:00:00.001-08:00

OMG so much happened and I just didn’t update at all! Firstly LeMUN I want to encourage myself to write such a long story but I really can’t, it just isn’t working out. Just a short summary.

Had to give a speech at the first day, just heard of it one hour before I had to present it. So Folmer wrote an introduction and I wrote the middle and folmer wrote the conclusion. Before the speech I was so scared, never was so nervous in my whole life. Glad there was a nice guy from DPRK who had to give a speech before me and the taught me how to breathe properly again.
Met some cool people, like the EMO from Hungary who represented PNA, wrote so many notes with him, his name is Dave btw. The guy who taught me how to breathe found me in my committee room and wrote some notes to me, his name is Minseob. Steven, represented DPRK very nice little dude, had such a laugh with him.
The party was cool! Im getting the pictures from Kat tomorrow already got 4 pictures they are cool. The only bad thing was that Barbara puked on Laureen and on my shoes. Later on she felt good again, but I think we also have to Thank Ernst for that ;-).

I guess that was LeMUN, in MUN class we are preparing for ThiMUN now, we are Brazil and I am in the HR1 committee.

Yesterday in MUN Nienke suddenly said to me something like: ‘ Lotte how is your secret admirer going?’ And I was like. WTF! Because usually I don’t read my comments that common, but when she said about the secret admirer left a comment on my blog I just had to look. And its true! I have a secret admirer! It sounds cool, but freaky at the same time because you don’t know who it is, but that some Italian dude is interested in you and reads your blog. That makes you feel good, just read this quote from the SA:
[ it fills me with a deep feeling of warmth and completeness ]
That’s just so cool, that I can make someone feel like that with all my random talk about my life.
@SA: I hope you are a cool dude and not a paedophilic psycho or something like that ^^ just keep reading. And BTW if you are someone who I know in person already and you just use your secret Italian identity to 1. tell me how you feel, or 2. just make fun of me, then I really think you are pathetic and really should find help to GET A LIFE. But if you are not then its cool.

Aaaaah! As some of you might know, Maxi is Emo obsessed, well I Think I’m sk8rboy obsessed =p. it sounds weird, but it is quite cool. I’m kinda happy with my obsession, it gives me something to do while I am just sitting @ home doing nothing. So if you hear me talk about all the hot sk8rboy/dudes then just don’t get mad with me I cant help it I’m just obsessed. And for people who don’t know the difference:
Sk8rboy : Is a guy who skates and dresses like a skater.
Skr8rdude: A guy who dresses like a skater but doesn’t skate.
Well anyway theyre both hot! =p.

Like yesterday I heard someone say that Dunglish is her best language. That’s like so cool! Because I love dunglish and if I know more friends who can speak Dunglish I would like speak Dunglish all the time. Actually I think Dunglish should be made into an official language. If anyone agrees with me could he/she please help me with my mission in making Dunglish an official Language? It would be so cool and Trash =p.

Oh btw about today! I just did nothing, went to school while I was half sleeping. I am so tired! And more people around me are tired what makes me even feel more tired! It’s like a sleep epidemic (is that possible?). Going to bed early today I think cuz otherwise I will just collapse tomorrow. Well that’s about it for today.

Edit: Got this froms Max's Blog Its so lol:

You Are a Punk Rocker!

When it comes to rock, you don't follow any rules
You know that rocking out is all about taking down the man
You've got an incredible stage presence and rock persona
You scare moms, make bad girls (or boys) swoon, and live life on the edge!

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Quote: ‘Lotthic Ik Kies You!’
‘Sparkly Sparkly.’

Music: U2 & Greenday – The Saints Are Coming

'Kolere MSN' & Way too many Questions

2006-11-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

I’m so frustrated! My msn doesn’t work properly anymore. That means I cannot talk to anyone the shit thing keeps saying, could not send message to contact. Ive noticed more people have this problem as like three came online and offline like 5 times in a row with in their names.
KUT MSN!!! WAT IS DIT JONGE!!???
Or something that would explain the same thing! MSN is shit today, and it just happened at such a wrong moment!
I made a deal with this guy that I would tell him which guy(s) I liked if he would tell me which girl he liked a little bit. So finally he told me and then it was my turn and……FLAT! My msn stopped functioning!!! I sent him an E-mail explaining the whole shit but I wonder if he ever received it. I hope he doesn’t get mad or something, and that my MSN will work again. GRMBL :@:@.

Aaaaah yesterday I was allowed to have my phone again in the evening, well actually my dad did say something vague about handing it in but I ignored that and just kept it. He didn’t ask anymore so I guess it was okay.

AAAAAH! Friday we have LEMUN! I kind of ‘naaied’ Folmer, sorry for that dude. Cuz the ambassador of Egypt has to give a speech, and mr. De Jong said it has to be a fifth year. So then he asked who could do it and I said Folmer and the Mr. De Jong said that he thought Folmer really could do it. And then suddenly someone started clapping, and now Folmer is ambassador, has to give a speech and he is mad on me. But I said I would help him, but I have to talk with him about it on MSN and as long that’s not working properly there nothing I can do. I also have to some research and shit.

What Can you Do if you do not know what you want!?
Think? Well I did and it only got worse, it’s like all the things that are happening, and everything happens so close on everything.
And what can you do if a friend of yours likes someone, but you also like that someone, and you know who that someone likes and its not your friend but you. But that someone lives so far away. Aaah loads of questions in my head but no one to answer it?

Well anyways, Gonna Have A Party!!!!

I hope the people to whom i was talking may see that more people have te same problem and in a weird start reading my blog so that they know what is going on.

Music: The Killers – Mr. Brightside

Quote: You shall not Pass!!!!!! Kidding…. ‘Destiny Is Calling Me’…..

Notes Passing and Finding a Conclusion to My Obsession

2006-11-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Well okay that was MINIMUN. Didnt really get all the resos though, my mind was in an other dimension. I think its not necessary to tell you which dimension. Well we got on the DIS as 8.50 right on time, but the one that was not on time was someone who told us we had to be there at 8.50 and not a minute later. Well after we got our badges, Laureen, Baay and me got to our committee. We were so late and when we got in all eyes were on us, including the eyes of yeah well It!
We sat in the back, I did not really got the resos but it was fun to look at everyone. Baay said something to me I didn’t like so I hit him with my book. Then some guy at the back shushed us, later I got a message from john that we had to be quiet otherwise he would split us up. Then instead of talking I send a not to laureen who was sitting right next to me.

From: Argentina.
To: Spain.
He’s So Hot!
STALKER!
FY! I Want him =p. Gimme advise.
Nou loop nu op hem af en pak hem op de bek.
Give me normal advise pls!
Oke mama spain zal advise geven.
1. stuur hem een briefje
2. loop niet zo stalker te doen
3. ga in de pauze bij hem zitten
3. DOE NORMAAL!
Hm, what shall i write? Im not stalking him! Im just laughing cuz of the message of Marie =P.
Je stalkt Believe me.
Lol, that’s my name xD, what shall I Write?
‘Hi How Ya Doin?’

Well yeah I followed her advice and wrote him a note, it was funny talking to him. I don’t have that note anymore he has it. Baay and Laureen tried to write him a note at the beginning with ‘I LOVE YOU’ as me sending it. But the Admin did not dare to give it to him because her director was in the room. After that they write another note to john with something like, pay attention and stop writing notes to Argentina that are not going about MUN!’
After 2.5 resos we went to lunch, this existed of two breads with some sweaty chees and ham with salad. The desert was a Mars of Snickers together with an appel. Oh and a water bottle. After we finished another reso after lunch we went to the GA. And that’s where all the ‘fun’ started. I was sitting in front together with nienke and we had like no clue what was going on. So we started writing notes. Well here is coming THE note that embarrassed me.

I’m the normal one, nienie, the bold and Emi the green one.

To: Deputy Chair of Political Committee, Emilie (Geile Chick!)
From: Argentina (2 hot girls in the front).
How was your day? Still don’t know what IAEA is? BTW look behind you =P. Grtz!
Lotte is still obsessed…
Duh! Hes just so hot! Makes my hart go faster! Those eyes, Those hands, That Smile! Woah! =P.
Hands?! He doesn’t seem too interested in you btw…
That just broke my heart =p.
I’m Temped to pass this note to the back. Please, at least pretend you’re interested/paying attention.
I’m not scared of u! we are interested! =p (at the back)
Whehehe keep this note I wanna scan it!
Baai (JE BLUFT!)
Em, do pass it over, I wanna see his and Lotte’s face when he reads it.
John thought you’d like to read this ^_^. Emilie.

Well she passed it over, if you want to know. I just did not dare to look, I still don’t know what his reaction was so please Em ore someone else tell me!!!!! And now because im Furious in a funny kind of way Emi has to fiks a date for me whahahaha,,, soooh gonna laugh about this!!! Thats my revenge.
After that me and nienie, began slowchatting on notes and later on passed them over to Emilie. I hope Emilie still has them and wants to post them too.
And BTW Laureen made a note with a big Heart! Wit LY written underneath it during the GA. She send it over to john with my name under it. When he read his eyes got all big and he just passed it over to Emilie without saying something, emilie and her Fellow Chairs read it and jus started laughing. I spotted it though and I said to John it wasn’t mine.

Meanwhile I received some notes from spain.

To argentina:
Do you like the reso? And did you like the heart? I?m almost sleepin, trilala. Go & Talk
xxx.
SEND BACK! 10TH TIME IM TRYING.

To Argentina:
This is our committee, Oeh and John is Talking =p. haha, you gotta send back! It is Important Im gonna vote in favour! Hihi xx spain.

After the closing ceremony, I talked to Teo for a while and offcourse it was about him and I heard some interesting stuff that made my conclusion easier., and after that we went home. In the car I kept talking about the 'Geile Chair' and annoyed a lot of people what was fun actually. That was MINIMUN from my point of view I guess. Probably forgot to add some stuff =p.

When I got home I started thinking:
Is he really my type? And do I really like him that much? I know he is ‘Geil’ and I refer him as It, Because he is a god, but am I doing all this flirting, all this embarrassing because I like him or just because its fun to do? Cuz neither it or me is quite serious when we talk to eacht other =P. I’m just like giggling all the time, and he is just laughing at me all the time.
Well I guess I will just stick to the ‘usual’ type!=P. Sk8rboy watch out! Lotte is free and hunting =D-
Oef, that just sounds so bad!
Next week we have LEMUN + a party in the Incasa! Yay!!! I hope there will be some magic happening over there. Rofl!
Well that’s that for today.

Quote of the day: Paul McCoy is so hot in ‘Bring Me To Life’ I also wanna guy who’s gonna safe me like that!
2: Gonna buy a Greenday shirt!

Music: DJ Casper – Cha Cha Slide. (I am really trying the dance ^^)

Eat Life With A Big Spoon!

2006-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Ever Since a couple of days I believe more and more in destiny. Like the term: ‘Destiny brought us together.’ Is like soooooooh true! And destiny made the order of the AH wrong so that my brother had to bring all kind of stuff home. So now our fridge is filled with AA drink, and Vodka mix. I got a lotion, my parents got Port and today my brother gave me a package of 5 (!) chocolate bars. *drool*. So, I believe in destiny because I really need that chocolate because all this studying makes me hungry, I also was in desperate need of a good lotion. The AA energy drink is also coming right on time, Studying is sooooo tiring. And about the Vodka mix, we will find a solution for that, next week we have a LEMUN party.

About my day: A temporary eye infection was blurring my sight on the bike this morning, as a result that I didn’t see ‘someone’ and that I almost rode into a tree. The next part of my day is about something I wont mention in my blog. When we didn’t had to go to that part that cant be mentioned we went to Laureens house where we ate something, watched ‘New York Minute.’ And meanwhile I infected Laureen with my eye infection. Sounds great right?
Right about now I am eating my chocolate and listening to Linkin Park, well I feel more like listening to Evanescence….wait a sec….sooooh Evanescence is ‘pumping’ out of my speakers.

Have you ever heard about women can do more things at one time? Well that does not count for me. I maybe can do two thinks at one time (Like working and talking to people in the store). Monday I was: Watching Oceans Eleven, and when you watch that you have to pay good attention, chatting on MSN with some peeps, making a summary for geography, listening to music and talking to a friend on the phone. It drove me insane; I ended up screaming to my friend on the phone. So that’s the last time I wanted to prove I am a woman who can do more things at one time.

Well that’s that guys, cus I haven’t scraped anything from my ‘to’ do list today.

List:
Study for ANW.
Sign up for the Writing Contest.
Clean my room.
Call daphyd.
Chill.
Find a healthy diet to ‘gain weight’.
Make an appointment to the vet.

Quote of the day:
‘Someone told me, Love would all save us, But how can that be Look what love gave Us.’
From Nickelbacks – Hero.

Music: Evanescence – My Immortal

2006-11-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here I am again!!
Nothing much happened the last hours I guess, just go to work and studied for the test week. I’ve got a lot of positive reactions on my Story so I guess I will continue it and sent it in for the Contest. Hope I am going to win xD!!!
Some friends of me have sites too, Maxi who’s a blogger too already linked me, that’s so cool, I would link her too if just know how to link her. Daphyd however is not going to link me until I put something about him on my blog. Bugger, So I guess Ill plant some pictures of him on my blog. It will be about last Sunday when I went to Omnia!!!
Almost forgot I did had something to tell you, my brother is going to kill someone, it is going to be me or his friend. Because we are having contact and I a weird way my brother doesn’t like that thought I guess. Well that friend told me. So if after this post the blogging stops you can guess what happened to me. Snif sniff.

Oh right the pics...
Daphyd!!! Now u owe me a link!!!

This is Me Fighting with Bouke!!! We love eachother veryvery much.

Me and Kim!! Such a sweet girl!!! LYsm!!!

This is where we came for !!! Omnia!!! U rule!!
Thats that for today
Byeeee
Love ya all!!!

Jeeesh never saw this Title things

2006-11-03T05:01:00.000-08:00

Hello again!
aaaah I promised not to talk about school, but its So difficult, maybe one little thing:
Just had my French test, it went well, now I have to study for other tests.
History: Friggin 23 Pages.
Anw: Friggin 34 pages! + notes.
Geo: I have no idea how many pages :P
CKV: No idea either, dunno where I left my book.
Maths: Gosh, I'm was supposed to finish this chapter like this week, still at 27. :S:S
Dutch: Dutch? Do I really have to Study for this?

Well, just had my daily cup of hot chocolate. I'm still freezing though, I was soaked when I came home from school, Bloody autumn weather.
Had some nice dreams the last days, first one was about Jerry and John, that they were Vampires and I was in love with one of them, didn't figure out who I loved. That was quite annoying cuz I kept thinking which one I Loved, or Liked :P. Aaah me and my stupid mind.
Second dream was all about Jerry, so that would solve my problem. But then I talked to a friend of mine about John and now I'm confused. aaaaaaaaaaaaaah me and my stupid mind.

there is an Official Nerd Meeting going on at the house next to me. When I came out of school about 5 boys were standing in front of my Garage. They all wore beige tight trousers, colorful raincoats, all had an ancient haircut and they wore their backpacks so high That I wondered if they just came out of a Nerd movie. So when they saw me they started giggling, serious 5 boys giggling! And asked me If Frans was home. WTF, Frans is My neighbor, so I Said no. The minute I said that all these 5 boys turned red, one of them said sorry for bothering me and asked me when he would come home. I said I didn't know cuz I don't live there. After that I got inside and didn't even bother any more about these guys.

Im writing a new story for a writing contest, Its in dutch but if you want to look at it and give a comment please. It is quite personnal so it was very difficult for met to write it. I hope you can enjoy it:

Al fietsend denk ik na, mijn gezicht is verhard, een zwak zonnetje probeert mijn gezicht te verwarmen, misschien probeert het ook mijn verbitterde uitdrukking van mijn gezicht te vegen. Ik kijk op naar de zon en grijns, maar wat een glimlach probeert te worden verdwijnt al snel van mijn gezicht. Er steekt een koude wind op, dit past veel beter bij mijn bui. In mijn oordopjes hoor ik Linkin’ Park, het roept een herinnering op, ik zie zo weer het filmpje voor me. Ik merk dat ik wordt ingehaald door een groepje bruggers, ik begin harder te fietsen, ik moet met hem praten bedenk ik me. Als ik snel thuis ben, heb ik zo mijn huiswerk af en kan, ik op MSN gaan en met hem praten. Ik hoor de woorden van een vriendin in mijn hoofd:
“Wat is er aan de hand? Je bent zo chagrijnig, gaat het niet goed tussen jullie?”
Ging het eigenlijk niet goed? We hadden geen ruzie of zo, het was gewoon anders, het ging achteruit. Er komt weer een herinnering boven, gevolgd door een kriebel in mijn buik, ik grijp naar mijn buik en moet lachen. Ik bijt even op mijn onderlip, het gaat niet goed vertel ik mezelf weer. Een vreemde soort angst neemt mij over, het gaat niet goed, er komt een brok in mijn keel. Kon ik hem nu nog maar even zien misschien zou hij weer naar me lachen en zeggen dat alles goed gaat en dat zou alles goedmaken. Ik ben bijna thuis, zou hij online zijn?

‘We gaan eten!’ Roept mijn moeder terwijl ze mijn kamer binnenkomt, snel klik ik het gesprek weg en draai me om naar mijn moeder. ‘Gaat het meisje?’ Vraagt ze bezorgd als ze mijn gezicht ziet.
‘Ja mam,’ mompel ik, ‘ik kom eraan oke.’ Mijn moeder kijkt me nog even bezorgd aan maar draait zich dan om, en gaat naar beneden.
IK GA ETEN MAAR IK KOM ZO WEER. Typ ik nog even snel in het gesprek. Ik neem een diepe zucht en ga dan naar beneden.
Er praten mensen tegen mij maar ik reageer niet echt, er is iets aan de hand en hij zou het vertellen. Ik werd alleen onderbroken doordat ik moest gaan eten. ‘Wat is er aan de hand?’ Vraagt mijn moeder nogmaals, ik kijk haar aan, ik voel dat er tranen komen, snel kijk ik naar beneden.
‘Het gaat niet zo goed tussen ons.’ Zeg ik alsof dat alles zou verklaren.
‘Hebben jullie ruzie gehad?’ Vraag mijn moeder.
Heftig schud ik mijn hoofd. ‘Nee, ik weet niet wat het is, hij wou het zeggen maar toen moesten we gaan eten.’ Ik kijk op. ‘Mag ik misschien even naar boven gaan en gaan praten? Dan kom ik zo weer terug.’ Mijn moeder knikt, en kijkt me bezorgd aan. Ik sta op en loop stilletjes naar boven, ik hoor mijn vader nog aan mijn moeder vragen wat er aan de hand is. Op het moment dat ik weer achter de computer zit neemt die rare angst mij weer over. Ik raak in een vaag soort paniek en begin moeilijk te ademen. Tranen stromen over mijn wangen, ik kan niet meer stil zitten, ik stort mezelf op de bank in mijn kamer en probeer mezelf te kalmeren.

Mijn vest ziet zwart van de mascara, ik heb hoofdpijn, mijn ogen zijn nat en tranen rollen over mijn wangen. Ik wil schreeuwen, ik wil iemand slaan, ik wil twee armen om mij heen. Het is over, helemaal over. Ik snap niet waarom ik zo huil, ik had het al aan voelen komen. Ik stort me weer op mijn bank en pak een kussen, stevig houd ik het vast en staar voor me uit, ik hoor dat hij nog tegen me praat op MSN. Ik blijf voor me uitstaren, de tranen blijven over mijn wangen rollen. Ik kijk naar buiten en zie een blaadje van de boom vallen, het ziet er mooi en dramatisch uit. Ik wordt de hele tijd gebeld door mensen, vrienden, vrienden die me willen steunen, steeds als ik het weer wil vertellen rollen de tranen over mijn wangen, komt die vage angst weer met een kriebel. Beelden van de laatste 5 weken flitsen door mijn hoofd. Ik adem weer een keertje diep in en ga achter de computer zitten. De webcam staat aan, ik probeer niet naar hem te kijken, het lukt me niet.
‘Verdomme,’ mompel ik, ‘kom gewoon hier en geef me een knuffel.’ Weer komen de tranen, ik zeg tegen hem dat ik het niet ‘trek’ hij net zo min. Ik sluit de computer af en besluit om nog even te gaan douchen. Het warme water neemt de hoofdpijn weg, en ik kalmeer wat, ik merk dat ik nog steeds huil. ‘Fuck wanneer stopt het nou?’

[ … ]

Ik kijk nog even om, en zie ze net weggaan, ik zie een briefje op het aanrecht liggen.

Bel even als je terug bent van werk en laat een voicemail achter.

Ik pak de telefoon, en merk dat ik nog steeds een glimlach op mijn gezicht heb. Ik tik het nummer van mijn vader in en laat de telefoon overgaan totdat deze op de voicemail springt.
‘Heej met lotte, ik ben thuis, sorry dat ik zo laat ben maar ik heb nog even nagepraat. Doei tot vanavond.’

Ik denk nog even na over net, er komt een grijns op mijn gezicht. Ik denk dat het weer terug is, ik grijp naar mijn buik, weer die kriebel. Ik viel bijna en moest hem vastpakken. Ik lach om mijn gedachten.

Well that's that for today...Buhbaaaai!!!!
Love u all!!!

2006-11-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

A better way for u to get to know me is just to look at this list. Its in dutch but dont bother:P have fun wit reading about the complex me.
Naam:

Lotte

Nickname:

Sottie, Lavenderksy, Lot

Woonplaats:

Voorschotuun

Geboortedatum:

02-08-1991

Lengte:

1.80 (yeah)

Kleur ogen:

Blauw

Schoenmaat:

School/werk:

School

Rook je:

Hmmm tjah ik moest stoppen van me ma(a)

Hobby's:

paardrijden, computeren, hangen, dansen

Broers/zussen:

2 brothers

Heb je verkering/een relatie:

Nee...maar binnenkoort oeeeeeeeh

Piercing:

Nee

Tattoo:

Nee(ik wil well)

Vakantieland:

SPANJE IS DA BOMB

Is er iemand die je niet zal terugschrijven:

God

Leukste persoon die je dit jaar hebt leren kennen:

Jerry! en John!

Persoon die je dit jaar liever niet had leren kennen:

neeh

Wie zou je graag ontmoeten:

De ware ofzo=D bah wat cliché

Wie bewonder je enorm:

Omnia

Meest sexy personen:

Jerry, John, OrlandoBloom, Johnny Depp

Favoriete slaapkledij:

Lekkere joggingbroek met hemdje

Favoriete auto:

Kever!!!

Favoriete film:

Bambi

Favoriete muziek:

Rock!!!

Favoriete stad:

Kopenhagen

Favoriete knuffel:

Wassie de wasbeer

Favoriete geurtje:

AmorAmor, Cacharel

Favoriete week/maandblad:

de krant?

Favoriete geluid:

Lekkere gitaar!

Favoriete TV-series:

Charmed....De LAMAS!!!1

Favoriete schrijver:

Dick Bruna xD

Favoriete troetelnaam:

Dropje

Wat staat er op je mouse pad:

Hoe beschrijf je dat? Rommel:P

Wat ligt er onder je bed:

Stof, en kussens

Lievelingskleur:

Groen

Lievelingslied allertijden:

White and Nerdy

Lievelingslied op dit moment:

Evanescence - My Immortal

Lievelingseten:

JellyBeans en Ben&Jerry ijs

Lievelingsvak op school:

CKV:P

Lievelingsdrank:

7UP

Lievelingscijfer:

Wat vind je het mooist aan jezelf:

alles xD

Welke deodorant gebruik je:

Rexona

Welke schoenen draag je het liefst:

Allstars

Hoe laat ga je slapen doordeweeks:

ahm...

Welk woord of welke zin gebruik je vaak:

Gast, Sgatje, Thingie

Het meest romantische wat je ooit is overkomen:

Tjah prive:P

Het meest beschamende moment van je leven:

nog meer Prive

Ben je een buiten persoon of binnen persoon?:

Binnen

Wat doe je in het weekend:

Geen hol en werken

Welk vak doe/deed je niet graag op school:

Frans en duits

Je Ontbijt:

3 boterhammen met kaas

Wat eet je absoluut niet graag:

SPruitjess! whehehehe

Huisdieren:

eeen katje

Lachen of dromen:

Lachen

Serieus of grappig:

Grappig

Snel of traag:

Traag

Alleenstaand of relatie:

Ik wil een relatie:P

Simpel of ingewikkeld:

simpel

Cremeren of begraven:

Begraven

Lang opblijven of vroeg naar bed:

Lang opblijven

Licht of donker?:

licht

Spreken of zwijgen:

spreken

Grote of kleine vrouwen/mannen:

Grote

Krant of weekblad:

weekblad

Knuffel of een kus:

Kus

Gelukkig of triestig:

Gelukkig

Leven of dood:

Leven

Fuif of discotheek:

fuif

Links of rechts:

rechts

Saus erop of ernaast?:

Erop

Bruin of blond:

Bruin

Wat zou je vragen als je "God" een vraag mocht stellen:

Waar is de wc?

Geloof je in reincarnatie:

Bestaan buitenaardse wezens:

jah duuuuh, k ben er zelf 1

Bestaat de ware:

Hoeveel kinderen wil je:

Waar kan je niet tegen:

aaaahmmm veel:P

Het beste gevoel ter wereld:

Met degene samenzijn waar je veel van houdt

Het slechtste gevoel ter wereld:

een gebroken hart

Waar ben je bang voor:

Dat ik me hele leven aan deze fucking ziekte blijf vastzitten

Word je soms emotioneel:

Jah joh, 3 weken geleden noggg

Huil je tijdens films:

jah

Droombezigheid als je ouder bent:

Gewoon lieve man, leuk huis, leuke kinderen perfect leven

Geef een van je vele goede voornemens voor het jaar:

Gelukkig blijven

Wat was je eerste gedachte toen je vanmorgen opstond:

Fuck ik ben laat

Als welk dier zou je terug willen keren?:

Luipaard

Wat is het mooiste aan het lichaam van een vrouw/man:

De mond

Origineelste plek om iemand ten huwelijk te vragen:

In de koelcel

Wat vind je van cu2:

toppiej

Wat mis je nog aan cu2:

niks

Waar heb je deze vragenlijst vandaan:

hier

Hoe vaak up-date je je vriendenlijst:

no idea

Wat doe je nog meer op de pc naast cu2:

msn

Mis je een vraag:

nee

2006-11-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

Hullo,
With all these bloggers around me I just couldn’t be left out. Usually I’m not in this ‘Wannabee’ mood, but because it sounds fun to be and hey with this weather I have nothing much else to do. Oh well maybe I have to learn for the Upcoming test week But anyways don’t feel like learning on this moment.

The moment: I’m sitting in my chill room, yeah okay I have two rooms, seems extremely spoiled but my bedroom is so extremely small! Okay I am sitting behind my computer; the killers are pumping out of my speakers a damping cup of hot chocolate is standing right in front of me. I am talking to a girl about this boy I know from work and it is sooooh hot in here. So nowhere in my mind there is something related to school, and I want to keep this mood for the next half hour.

So about this blog thingie, I will try not to talk about school in my blog, so that would be after this post. Because if I did there only would be wining about all the work and all the annoying Preps at my school and that would be such Old news. I can give you thousand links with blogs about that.
So I will talk about my life outside school, and surprisingly I do have a life outside school. For instance the next weeks you will hear all my drooling over this boy at work, and another boy at MUN. And MUN doesn’t count for a school thingie cus, too many fun things are happening there ^_^.

Well this is the end of my introduce thingie Blog…More about my life will follow…after tonight probably when I went to the supermarket and get some Chickentonight stories and bullit.:-p

Greeetings Love u all
And remember:
Don’t Do Drugs xD